Well, this definitely isn’t the post I planned on writing for this week. I was going write about grocery shopping, or reaching Coast FI, or something finance related. But that was before my world fell apart. That was before my boyfriend told me he doesn’t love me anymore.
I’d like to say I was blindsided. You don’t just wake up one day and stop loving someone. But I wasn’t really. Things haven’t been great for these past two months. He wasn’t as affectionate, he didn’t seem to have any interest in spending time with me, and he was always in a grumpy mood. It’s not like we didn’t talk about these things. I’m all for having adult conversations when I don’t think things are going well. The only way to make things better is to talk about them, right?
Unfortunately, he was less than honest in our conversations. I told him again and again that I didn’t feel like he loved me, but he insisted that was nonsense. He said he was stressed out at work, and I believed him. It seemed like the troubles started when one of his colleagues got let go and he started having to work an ungodly amount to cover the shifts. He also told me he was just unhappy here in Pennsylvania. I believed that too – I’m not exactly happy here either. Just last week we discussed the fact that we were both unhappy here, and tried to find compromises that would make us both a little happier. I thought we were getting back on the same page and working to fix things. I was wrong.
Things Come to a Head
Things came to a head this weekend. I’ve been trying to get us some alone time together – time where we could actually go out and engage with each other and reignite some of the passion. He was pretty grumpy and miserable on his two days off the previous week, and wasn’t interested in doing anything. But he had all day Sunday off, and he promised me good times and engaging fun. I even found a few awesome brew, wine and food festivals we could go to for some fantastic adult alone time.
Unfortunately, none of that worked out the way I planned. He wanted to see his daughter this weekend (we had her the full weekend last weekend) so I found a fun block party we could take her to on Saturday night. The plan was to hang out with her for a few hours, then take her home. Instead, he asked her if she wanted to stay the night, and of course she did. I was a bit disappointed, because that meant no adult fun time (our bedroom doesn’t have a door!), and I expressed this to him – but he said it will be fine he will drop her off on Sunday morning and we will have the whole day together.
On Sunday morning he decided he wanted to keep her all day. Now this is the part where I probably come across as the bitchy evil wannabe step mom. I got mad. I told him this relationship wasn’t working, and I was tired of not being a priority. Of course, he made it about her – he said I don’t love her and I don’t want her around. But that’s not the case, and he knows it. I love her. I watch her while he’s at work so he has more time with her. Heck, I was the one who got us moved to Pennsylvania so he could be in her life more! It’s outrageous to suggest that I just don’t want to be around her. All I wanted was a good day with him so we could find our spark and work on fixing us. As it turned out, he wasn’t interested in that at all.
He Doesn’t Love Me Anymore
When we got home, we had “the talk”. He finally admitted how unhappy he was in the relationship, and admitted that he doesn’t love me. He said he isn’t happy with anything, and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. Unfortunately, he couldn’t exactly pinpoint when or why things changed, or why he fell out of love.
I asked him why he wasn’t honest with me before. We’ve had this conversation so many times, he’s had ample opportunity to tell me. But he said he didn’t want to hurt me, and he thought it would just get better. Things don’t get better by ignoring them, and instead the distance between us grew. He said he wished he could find a way to be happy here, but he’s not and he doesn’t know the way forward. He does know that he doesn’t want to keep hurting me, and he doesn’t want to continue pretending things are ok when they are not.
It’s hard to break up when you live together, but I’m thankful that he’s being amicable. He knows how terrible this is for me, he’s the main reason why I moved to Pennsylvania! I uprooted my life and moved for him so he could be closer to his daughter, and he broke up with me five months later. He knows how shitty that is. But it would be even more shitty to pretend he wants to be with me when he doesn’t.
He will be moving out of the house – which makes sense because I bought it and I own it. Our original goal was to fix some of the things up together, so he said he will still help me fix the most serious issues before he leaves. He also said he will watch the animals so I can get away for a while. I definitely need that.
I’m heartbroken that we weren’t able to make this work, but I do appreciate that we can be amicable and make the split as painless as possible. Its going to be a rough few weeks for me, but I know I will eventually heal and come out of it stronger.