Guns, Glory, and Greed: Why We’ll Never Have Too Many Firearms

For most of my life, I have been an independent voter who seriously believed gun laws were flawed. I never really thought the Founding Fathers believed everyone in America should be forced to walk around with guns every day.  

I Used To Be Against Guns

For years, I tried really hard to convince people that if NO ONE had guns, we would be just as safe as if EVERYONE had a gun, but I lost.  I simply couldn’t take all the abuse hurled at me. I was called a liberal lackey and told I had my head in the sand.  Those same people convinced me that bad guys will always find ways to get guns.

Something was clearly wrong with me.  You see, the all-powerful gun lobby had been planting psychological seeds and daily talking points for years, programming me and most of the country into fearing for their lives. In America, you need a gun to break free of that fear. 

When You’re Sold, You’re Sold

The subtle brainwashing took effect. So now I realize that I must own a gun! I must protect myself! I ‘am incapable of rational thought. I do as I ‘am told.  Guns are great! Guns! Guns!

Feel free to chant along. 

I changed my mind and attitude about owning guns with a bit of help from the gun lobby, the Republican election machine, gun enthusiasts, hunters, old ladies for guns, old men for guns, haters of everything but guns, and even everyday people who now believe every American should own and carry a gun.

I’m Onboard

Since then, I have become a card-carrying member of the concealed gun set, which pretty much means I carry a gun everywhere I go. 

 Right about now, you are probably somewhat confused, thinking I was going to dedicate this article to bashing America’s gun culture. Nope, I have finally allowed the twisted logic of gun ownership and the ability to defend myself at a moment’s notice to permeate my mind and wake my senses.  I am now a woke gun owner. 

Learning Safety

I went out and bought a gun as I had been programmed to do.  It’s a great gun.  I purchased a Ruger lightweight 38 revolver with a concealed hammer, so I don’t have to worry about it getting snagged on my clothes when the bad guy approaches, and I spring into action. 

I’m ready! I’ve gone to the gun range and figured out that I better use two hands when I fire this little bugger because it kicks like a mule. But it’s got a good-sized bullet, makes a big bang when I shoot it, and overall makes me feel pretty darn safe, figuring now I got a chance.

The Growth I Never Wanted

The only problem is that carrying a gun with you everywhere is sort of like growing a festering tumor.  It bulges out of your clothes; it can explode at any moment, and it’s uncomfortable. The holsters are stiff and make you chaff, and in general, it’s something you’d rather not have attached to your body all day long.

Why Bother?

 Then I read about the horrible shooting in Maine last week where 18 people were gunned down, and realized that this is why I carry a gun! My programming has taught me that if I have a concealed weapon, I could fight back and possibly subdue or even kill a gunman shooting at me. 

I know that’s what the brainwashing says I’m supposed to think.  But honestly, I think something is wrong with my brainwashing.

True, I have a really cool, powerful little gun. But it’s not an assault rifle.  The gun used in the Maine shooting was much bigger than I have, and it’s much easier to hold and shoot.  The assailant was a trained professional, while  I’m just a guy who bought a gun because I’ve been conditioned to believe that my gun is the Holy Grail of bravery and My Right as an American.

Is Bigger Always Better?

What if the other guy has a bigger gun and can shoot dozens of rounds per minute?  I can’t physically conceal or carry an assault weapon with me everywhere I go.

There were over 500 mass shootings in America this year, and I feel as helpless as ever because my gun won’t cut it.  Maybe that’s the problem.  What good is owning a gun if the bad guys can get bigger guns?  I need help from Big Brother, who demands I own a gun to protect myself.

Sell Them What They Want, Then Sell Them What They Need

I did what you said to do, but now it seems as if that’s not enough.  Now you say I need a bigger gun?  Maybe more than one gun?  Do I need a semi-automatic gun?  Do I need to carry multiple clips with lots of bullets?  I see, so your answer to my problem is that I haven’t spent enough money on guns.  I need to BUY more guns. 

 For the briefest of moments, it sounded like you don’t care about my safety or my right to buy guns. It sounds more like you’re a snake oil salesman selling me a useless product that won’t work if a guy with a bigger gun comes after me.  Yes, Master, I will buy more guns.