Far too many women struggle with partners who refuse to participate equally in household labor.
They have sit-down talks, make chore lists, show them what needs to be done, and communicate their needs so much that it feels like nagging with little results.
Fair Play
In 2019, after seven years of researching the problem, organizational management guru Eve Rodsky developed a solution. She introduced the Fair Play system, an organizational tool that helps people take complete ownership of a household task from start to finish.
It features over 100 cards of household tasks – even those we don’t usually think about, like doctors’ visits and feeding pets. Couples first take the chores they already do to showcase the labor disparity, then they divvy up the cards more equitably.
Each card is more than just the task, though; it helps the person with the invisible labor that goes into it. Feeding the dog also includes keeping track of the food. Taking the kid to the doctor also includes planning and making the appointments.
Couples who want a more equitable relationship have a lot of success with the fair play method.
Fair Play vs “Just Do It”
But the rub is, it only works when both parties are on board. One woman came to the internet to see if her relationship was salvageable after her boyfriend refused to even try fair play, suggesting a “just do it” method instead.
In his ideal world, the person who notices a chore should immediately do it. But by “the person who notices,” he means her, and he’ll only notice when she was supposed to do something.
He Won’t Help
The Original Poster (OP), who is 36, said she moved in with her boyfriend (43) two years ago, and since then, it’s been an endless struggle to get him to contribute to the chores.
She said she feels like she’s the only one who does any housework, but he gets defensive whenever she brings it up.
She also reported that his idea of “helping” is doing what he wants at his convenience. He often starts a job but doesn’t finish it, and she has to pick up the slack.
Therapist’s Suggestion
OP brought the problem to her therapist, who suggested the book and cards “Fair Play,” which countless women have used to get their partners to understand the total burden of keeping a house.
Unfortunately, OP’s partner scoffed at the idea.
“He actively berated this system,” she said, reporting that he said things like, “So you’re just going to treat me like a toddler with a chore chart then?” and “This sounds like a way to prevent men from playing video games.”
The fact that he would rather game than do his fair share of household chores should be the first red flag, but it gets worse from there.
Just Do It Instead
The boyfriend had a brilliant alternative he called the “just do it” method.
According to OP, he said it would work like this: “If you see a chore that needs to be done, just do it. We don’t need to complicate things with cards and charts. See a dish? Just do it. See laundry? Just do it. Easy.”
In a perfect world where both partners actively try to care for the home, “just do it” might work fine. However, that’s not the case, and never has been.
He’s Been Acting Like a Jerk
OP said they now have a new problem. He’s acted like a giant jerk since she brought up the cards. He’s also expecting her to “notice” all the chores while he does nothing.
In the most recent incident, OP woke up early to do the laundry, wash the dishes, feed the dogs, and clean the kitchen. Her boyfriend woke up at 11, just as she settled down to relax.
But apparently, she didn’t do enough while he slept in.
The day before was garbage day, and OP didn’t bring in the trash bins.
Upon discovering her lapse, he said, “Why not? You saw it, and didn’t do it? What happened to the Just Do It method?” adding, “The Just Do It system falls apart when we start noticing things and not doing them” when she asked him to bring them in.
OP retorted that she was too busy cleaning and didn’t notice the trash bins, so he should bring them in since he noticed. He angrily stomped out and grabbed them, but when he came in, he put his headphones in, turned on a video game, and refused to talk to OP.
She came to the internet for advice on getting the information under control.
If He Wanted To, He Would
Users told OP the situation isn’t salvageable because a 40-year-old man should know how to do chores.
He does know how to do them. He simply doesn’t want to.
He doesn’t want to help because he’s happy to place the burden on her. He gets angry to manipulate OP into doing everything, so he gets to spend his free time leisurely enjoying video games rather than contributing.
He understands exactly what he is doing; he just doesn’t care.
OP, you can’t get the situation under control because he does not want to step up.
Just Do It Means OP Should Just Do It
Everyone also pointed out that his “Just Do It” method had a silent “you” in the front. The boyfriend was never going to notice anything.
He was going to offload all his labor to OP under the guise of “I didn’t notice” and use the fact that she did notice as a tool to manipulate her into doing it without nagging him.
He Will Not Change
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock.com.
OP said she’s scared things won’t improve and that the relationship is a bust. She’s right. It won’t get better. He won’t change.
OP only needs to decide whether she wants to stay in a relationship where she’s responsible for all the housework, and her boyfriend stomps around like a toddler whenever he’s expected to contribute.
Fair Play Works When Everyone is on Board
The story highlights the problem with the Fair Play method. Some men don’t want to step up. They know that they’re coasting through life on their girlfriend’s labor, and they’re fine with it. In fact, they actively look for a partner they can manipulate into doing all the chores so they don’t have to.
Fair Play works when he wants to contribute and truly doesn’t notice the inequity. But it doesn’t work when he doesn’t care, which happens far more than we’d like to believe.