Relationships take work. Far too often, one person does the bulk of the upkeep while the other coasts along on their coat strings. One woman realized she was carrying the burden upon seeking advice after making a harsh comment to her fiance.
The Original Poster (OP) said she’s been with her fiance for four years. They started dating when they were both teenagers and decided to get married upon graduation from college.
They’re both 23 and taking their first steps in the “real world.”
She described him as “traditional” and says he thinks men should take the lead in relationships.
She’s Stressed Out
Unfortunately, OP is stressed out from carrying the load. She explained that she’s doing pretty much everything in the relationship.
“From finding us places to live, to helping him job hunt, to organizing our finances, planning our wedding and honeymoon, planning all trips (including ones to see his family), keeping track of our appointments, car issues, insurances, bills, etc.…everything just repeatedly falls on my shoulders,” she admits.
He Says He Will Do Better
She’s tried communicating with her boyfriend. They’ve had numerous discussions about him carrying his own weight.
“Each time he apologizes and promises to do better – but nothing ever changes,” she said, adding that she also earns more money than him.
OP Breaks Down
After receiving a notice that the rent wasn’t paid, the weight of all her responsibilities finally came crashing down.
“He forgot a rent payment after promising to handle it, and I had to scramble to turn it in before being penalized,” she said, describing the event that triggered her breakdown.
An Argument Ensues
Overwhelmed with all the responsibilities, OP went to her boyfriend, practically begging him to contribute.
She again described everything on her plate, hoping he’d realize how much she was doing.
“I told him that I felt like everything we had as a couple was only because of me. Our apartment, our future wedding, and honeymoon, every vacation ever taken, our cars, our savings, everything. That if it wasn’t for me, we would have nothing,” she related.
OP’s boyfriend lashed out in anger. How dare she point out his lack of contribution! She was wrong anyway, and he had proof!!
He proudly relayed that he bought her engagement ring, so she was clearly wrong about everything because they’re only engaged. After all, HE bought the ring.
No, WE Bought the Ring
Of course, the boyfriend was lying. He didn’t actually buy the ring, and OP was tired of coddling him.
“My engagement ring?” she asked incredulously. “You mean the one with the band and setting that you were given by my mother and the 0.2 carat diamond that you took out more student loans to pay for because you had no savings? You haven’t paid a cent back, either. By the time we’re married, I’ll have paid more for my ring than you. WE bought my ring.”
He Flips Out
Unable to handle the truth, OP’s boyfriend lashed out at her. He even had the nerve to call her a golddigger.
He then went to bed, and OP found herself apologizing in the morning, despite feeling like she wasn’t actually wrong.
What Should She Do?
OP felt horrible about the situation. Even though she felt justified in her comments, her boyfriend’s manipulation tactic of calling her a golddigger clearly worked.
She feels like she was too harsh, and “I also keep worrying that I was being so materialistic by saying that – which I really don’t want to be,” she reported.
The Truth Hurts
Reddit users agreed that OP wasn’t wrong in telling her boyfriend the truth. A good partnership requires communication, and he needed to hear the truth, even though he didn’t like it.
One user advised OP to work on direct, honest communication regularly so she doesn’t wait until it reaches a boiling point and explodes.
However, OP reported that she has talked to her boyfriend about the problem, and on numerous occassions. We understand why she finally had enough.
The Problem Isn’t the Harsh Comment
The same user who advised OP to work on her communication also gently urged her to re-evaluate the relationship.
While she blew up after reaching a limit, that’s not the problem. The problem is her boyfriend’s refusal to contribute.
Most other Redditors agreed.
“You’re NTA for telling him he’s a deadbeat because he is,” said one user.
“I don’t understand what he brings to the table. Based on your description, you’re doing all the heavy lifting, as well as carrying him,” added another.
Who’s the Goldigger Here?
We’re all incredulous that he had the audacity to call OP a golddigger when he’s clearly the one taking advantage.
“What gold were you digging? He doesn’t have any,” said one, adding, “He has no money, no savings, and isn’t responsible enough to perform simple tasks like pay rent on time.”
The Rest of Your Life
Many other users told OP to look at her situation and ask herself if this is how she wants her life to be.
“If you don’t either get him on board with helping you with the mental load, and I mean right freaking now, this will be your life forever,” said one, adding, “ If you keep fixing everything he doesn’t do or screws up you will be fixing his mistakes and handling everything for the rest of your life.”
“You are signing up here for a lifetime of indentured servitude to a self-absorbed man-baby if you stay with this lazy, good-for-nothing mooch,” observed another.
OP’s boyfriend is a misogynistic dirtbag. He will suck OP dry if she continues the relationship.
She needs to end the engagement and find an equal partner capable of adulting on his own.
Melanie launched Partners in Fire in 2017 to document her quest for financial independence with a mix of finance, fun, and solving the world’s problems. She’s self educated in personal finance and passionate about fighting systematic problems that prevent others from achieving their own financial goals. She also loves travel, anthropology, gaming and her cats.