Women often come to Reddit to validate their feelings when their husbands refuse to participate equally in the relationship. The trend is so common it’s almost laughable.
One woman came to the popular subreddit where people share their stories to get unbiased opinions of who is right and wrong to find out if she’s wrong for expecting her husband to help with the kids when he’d rather nap.
Husband Naps, She Wrangles Kids
The Original Poster (OP) shared that the family needed to get ready for a cousin’s graduation, a party that had been planned for some time.
“Today, my cousin is graduating from high school, and I am getting our children, ages 4 and 3, ready to go to his graduation party. My husband decided that this was a good time to take a nap and leave me to get myself and the kids ready,” explained the OP, adding that she also had to straighten the house.
Husband Claims He Needs Nap
The husband claimed he needed a nap. Not because he worked long hours or an overnight shift, which we could understand.
OP shared that the beloved family dog had passed away the night before after a miserable few days of illness.
When she asked him to help with the kids and nap after the party instead, “He got upset that I’m not letting him “sleep so that he can grieve,” she shared.
Husband Also Confused About Cleaning
OP also said that her husband complained that they’d been cleaning all morning, but she clarified that she was the one who was cleaning while he played video games with their four-year-old. She stressed the house needed to be cleaned because they had been neglecting it while caring for and worrying over the sick dog.
“It is actually me that has been cleaning the house while he sat and played video games with our 4-year-old. He also slept in the morning and has been awake for a whopping 4 hours,” she said.
The Dog Was a Family Dog
One question that came up often before Reddit could decide who was in the wrong was the dog’s ownership. Was it strictly his dog? Did the dog belong to both of them?
Some users could understand his disproportional grief if the dog was a childhood companion he brought into the home.
OP answered the question in an edit. “Our dog belonged to both of us. We have been together since high school and rescued him as soon as we moved in together,” she clarified.
OP Wonders if She’s Wrong
The OP came to Reddit to find out if she’s in the wrong for asking her husband to help with the kids rather than nap.
“I know that we are both upset and tired and that everyone grieves in their own way, but I don’t feel like I am wrong for expecting some help,” she stated.
When Does She Get To Grieve?
Reddit agreed with OP, saying that OP’s husband never stopped to consider her own grief.
“Tell him that you need help with the kids and the cleaning so you can grieve,” advised one user, highlighting why the husband was in the wrong.
“So he gets to grieve while you get to take care of everything else? Sounds like he believes his grief is more important than your grief. Also appears like he’s using that as an excuse to guilt trip you,” Another added.
His Responsibilities Don’t Stop with Grief
Others mentioned that adults need to handle their responsibilities despite their grief.
“Grieving is difficult and important, but it is absolutely no excuse to neglect your responsibilities,” said one user, adding, “Particularly not when the person who has to pick up your slack is also grieving.”
“One of the hardest parts about being a parent is that responsibility exists no matter what else is going on,” replied another.
“Being parents means sharing responsibilities with the house and kids. Everyone is grieving. And yet you don’t get to pause. You’re still being a parent. He doesn’t get to tap out just because,” said a third.
It’s Not “Helping”
Some users said OP’s description hinted at an unhealthy balance in the relationship. OP’s husband shouldn’t “help” with the kids, they’re his responsibility, too, and he should do an equal share.
“Tell him house cleaning and childcare aren’t solely your job, and he isn’t “helping” you, he needs to pull his d*mn weight as a responsible parent and adult,” stated one user.
“I think “taking a nap” really meant “I don’t feel like pitching in on our shared responsibilities right now,” suspected another.
The Gem is Always in the Comments
A few users could almost understand the husband’s perspective. Grief is exhausting, after all.
But one of OP’s comments highlighted that it’s not about grief. It’s about avoiding shared parenting responsibilities.
“This is typical for him,” she admitted. “He rarely helps out without me having to ask. Him suddenly needing a nap when there is something that needs to be done is a fight we have been having since we had children.”
OP Absolutely Not Wrong
With this new tidbit of information, we can say that OP is not wrong. Her selfish husband must step up to be an equal parent and partner.
“You SHOULDN’T have to be carrying the load for the household all the time, and you guys need to have a serious conversation about this,” advised one user.
What Do You Think?
Do you agree that OP’s husband needs to step up and help more? Or do you think he was justified in napping through his grief, despite this being a reoccurring problem?This post was inspired by a Reddit Thread.
Melanie launched Partners in Fire in 2017 to document her quest for financial independence with a mix of finance, fun, and solving the world’s problems. She’s self educated in personal finance and passionate about fighting systematic problems that prevent others from achieving their own financial goals. She also loves travel, anthropology, gaming and her cats.