Healthy boundaries are vital to positive relationships in every aspect of your life.
Setting boundaries is crucial to self-care, self-advocacy, and living your life to the fullest.
To set successful boundaries, you must understand what they are (and aren’t!) and have an action plan for handling boundary crossers.
As a certified life coach, I can help. Discover everything you need to know about setting healthy boundaries so you can thrive!
What is a Boundary?
Boundaries help define appropriate behavior (for ourselves and others) in different relationships, ensuring everyone is on the same page and treats each other with the expected dignity and respect.
Boundaries can be considered a line in the sand. It is a behavior that you will not tolerate.
The problematic part about discussing boundaries is they differ for everyone. We all have different values and expectations, and each carries a unique personal threshold for appropriate behavior in any relationship.
You decide what your own personal boundaries are.
Why are Boundaries Vital
Setting boundaries is crucial to a happy life. Healthy boundaries dictate the behaviors you will and won’t tolerate, letting others know how to treat you.
In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need them because everyone would always be lovely. But we don’t live in an ideal world. Boundaries provide a baseline of respectful behavior, ensuring people don’t walk all over you.
Examples of Boundaries
Here are some examples of boundaries in various relationships to help you understand them better.
Relationship Boundary: I will not tolerate my partner saying mean things to me
Work Boundary: I will not tolerate being the dedicated note-taker because I’m a woman
In-Law Boundary: I will not tolerate racism from my in-laws
Friendship Boundary: I will not tolerate friends who don’t pay their full share when we go out
What Boundaries Aren’t
A lot of people have weaponized therapy-speak to gain control of their partners in a relationship. They call controlling behaviors “boundaries” and insist their partner must bow to their demands.
Forcing someone to do something is not a boundary. Boundaries aren’t about other people but about you and what you will tolerate.
Sometimes, it’s confusing, as behaviors you won’t tolerate often do cross the line into controlling others. How can you tell the difference?
Reasonable
Boundaries are usually reasonable. Most healthy people would say the boundary is expected in that specific relationship.
Expecting respect, fair treatment, and equality are all reasonable demands in nearly any relationship. However, expecting that someone never speaks to someone of the opposite gender, dictating what someone wears, and demanding to know their whereabouts at all times are not reasonable.
These are controlling behaviors disguised as boundaries.
Healthy
Boundaries must be healthy for all parties. Each person must feel they can fully express themselves and live according to their wishes, regardless of boundaries.
Any request that seeks to limit another person’s freedom, wellness, expression, or safety is not healthy and, thus, not a boundary.
Agreement
In most healthy relationships, members will freely agree on healthy boundaries. Good partners shouldn’t want to disrespect each other; good friends shouldn’t want to use each other.
If you feel weird about a boundary your partner has set, ask yourself why. Does it seem like they’re trying to dictate your behavior? Does their boundary conflict with your values?
People with different belief systems may clash over boundaries, but most relationships are casual enough that anyone you interact with can respect your boundaries regardless of their values.
It gets more complicated in romantic relationships.
The Thin Line in Romantic Relationships
Because of the intimate nature of romantic relationships, setting boundaries is far more complex than in other relationships.
Most friends can agree not to use each other, and most family members can decide to be nice to each other.
It’s far more complicated in romantic relationships, as some healthy boundaries can exist in gray areas between healthy and controlling, depending on one’s values and perspectives.
The use of pornography serves as an example. Some enjoy it, while others don’t want their partners to use it, as they feel it harms their sexual intimacy.
Is saying you won’t tolerate pornography use in a relationship a healthy boundary?
Yes.
However, you must understand that this boundary might limit your pool of potential partners. You can’t force someone who enjoys it to give it up. You can only decide for yourself whether you will tolerate it, and if you won’t, you must find a partner with similar values.
Boundaries vs. Ultimatums
People hate ultimatums.
When you tell someone, “Do this or else!” They often refuse to do the thing out of spite.
Boundaries are eerily similar to ultimatums, and some may not be able to see the difference.
The Difference
Boundaries are usually something you’re asked NOT to do, not something you’re asked TO do.
Don’t treat me poorly. Don’t be disrespectful. Etc.
Ultimatums are orders you give someone, resulting in consequences for not following through.
The Similarities
Refusing to respect someone’s boundaries should have the same severe consequences as an ultimatum.
“If you treat me like this, there will be consequences.”
That’s a boundary. And an ultimatum.
And there’s nothing wrong with that!
Somewhere along the line, society decided ultimatums are bad, but they’re not. It’s okay to set ultimatums and boundaries for your life. However, you must be willing to follow through with the consequences.
How To Set Appropriate Boundaries
Every relationship you have should have healthy boundaries. They’re fundamental to every human interaction you have, whether at home, at the office, or during social engagements.
Here are some tips for setting your boundaries.
Determine Your Values
First, you must determine your values. Our beliefs are integral to setting boundaries.
How do you believe the employee/employer relationship should function? What role should your in-laws play in your relationship? What type of treatment do you expect from a partner? What do you value in a friendship?
Use these questions to determine which boundaries to set in your different types of relationships.
Demand Respect
Boundaries are about respect. When people cross your boundaries, they’re saying they don’t respect you as a person.
Your boundaries should showcase that you demand to be treated with respect in every relationship you maintain.
Respect Others
You can’t expect people to respect your boundaries if you constantly stomp all over theirs. You must treat others with the same dignity and respect you demand.
For example, if you’re a hugger, but meet a new friend who hates being touched, respect their boundaries and don’t touch them.
Be Realistic
We’re all human and fallible. Your boundaries should be meaningful but not so harsh that they are impossible to achieve.
For example, you can’t set a boundary insisting that everyone is always positive in your presence. It’s ridiculous. Some people try, though, embracing toxic positivity and rejecting anyone who ever has a bad feeling.
Remember, boundaries aren’t about what someone else does. It’s about what someone else does TO YOU. You can’t set boundaries dictating other people’s behavior; you can only set boundaries related to the treatment you expect to receive from them.
What To Do When Someone Crosses Your Boundaries?
Some people will cross your boundaries on purpose. These folks don’t respect you. They think your boundaries don’t apply to them, or they don’t care about your boundaries as long as they get what they want.
Others cross them unintentionally. They may have forgotten or didn’t even know in the first place.
Regardless of the intentions, you can’t tolerate it when people cross your boundaries.
Here’s how to respond.
Inform Them of Your Boundary
First, give the person grace. Remind them of your boundary and explain how they crossed it.
If they instantly apologize and commit to doing better in the future, you can stop here.
Remove Yourself
If they scoff, argue, or act like you’re inconveniencing them by enforcing your boundary – leave.
Don’t argue back; they’ll view that as a negotiation. Remove yourself from the situation.
If you’re on the phone with an in-law who starts going on about your parenting, hang up. Leave if you’re at a friend’s house, and they start making offensive jokes.
Show people with your actions that you will not tolerate their behavior.
Ignore Them
Sometimes, you can’t just leave a situation. However, you can usually ignore the offender.
Ignore colleagues who try to get too personal. If you’re at a party and someone you don’t know well crosses your boundaries, leave the room or start talking to someone else.
Stop engaging with people who don’t respect your boundaries.
Repeat Offenders
Repeat boundary offenders know what they are doing. They don’t care. These folks don’t deserve the benefit of an explanation. As soon as they cross a boundary, disengage.
Hang up, walk away, and don’t look back.
They will eventually learn; if they don’t, you don’t have to interact with them.
End the Relationship
Any healthy relationship demands respect from participants. You do not have to stay in a relationship with anyone who refuses to acknowledge your boundaries.
End friendships. Find a new job. Break up.
Yes, it’s harsh.
However, you will never be happy if you continue to let others disrespect you.
Once you remove the boundary stompers from your life, you can open the door to the hundreds of people who will love and respect you.
You deserve that.