The sandwich generation has it rough. As our parents age, we must determine how to best care for them. Nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and multi-generational households may enter the conversation, and kids must decide what’s best for their parents and themselves.
The situation becomes even more complex when two sets of elderly parents are vying for the limited space in one married couple’s home.
One woman came to Reddit for advice when she found herself in this situation.
She Wants Her Parents; He Wants His
The Original Poster (OP) shared that she and her husband hope to have their respective parents live with them. Neither spouse has a sibling that can share the burden, as her only brother passed away, and his siblings have various struggles making it impossible to help.
Parents Abilities
One of OP’s main points is the differing needs of each set of parents. Although her parents are aging, they are still self-sufficient. They’ve recently retired and can no longer afford the high cost of living in their current city, but they have retirement income and can take care of themselves.
His parents, on the other hand, are high needs. His mother suffers from dementia, and his father has limited mobility. OP’s husband works long hours, so the burden of caring for his ailing parents would fall to her.
She also mentioned the difference in attitudes between the two sets of parents. Her parents are easygoing, and get along well with her husband. His parents have always treated her poorly.
Fight Over Who To House
A battle erupted when OP first mentioned that she wanted to move her parents in.
“I mentioned that I want to move my parents in with us, and we could use {the} money we’d save from their financial help to put his parents in a decent home,” recounted OP, trying to make the best of a bad situation by helping both parents.
OP’s husband wouldn’t have it. “He was furious,” she said, adding that he thought they should take in his parents, as hers could just move someplace cheaper.
She vehemently disagreed, saying it was unreasonable. He doesn’t have time to care for his parents, and they can’t afford home health care.
The entitled husband had a different take. “He said as his wife I should look after his parents out of love for him,” she related, outraged at his expectation.
She Stands Her Ground
OP refused to entertain the idea.
“I told him under no circumstances will his parents be moving in, and he’s welcome to move out and care for them elsewhere,” she stated.
OP also explained that the house is hers. She owned it before their relationship and has a prenup that protects it in case of divorce, so he has no legal right to it.
Husband Just Assumes She Will Cave
OP’s husband absolutely refused to compromise in any way. OP even took moving her parents in off the table, so neither set of parents would live with them, but the husband wasn’t okay with that either.
He’s adamant that she will take care of his parents.
Is OP Wrong?
OP came to the popular Reddit community where people can find out if they’re in the wrong for an unbiased perspective of the situation.
Should she let his parents move in?
No No No
Reddit flocked to OP’s defense, saying she was not wrong to refuse her husband’s outrageous expectations.
It turned out that he expected her to continue her full-time job while caring for his parents.
“He says I can wfh and care for his parents at the same time,” said OP in the comments.
“Yeah, no. Hard pass,” replied one user.
“It’s not reasonable for him to expect you to become a caretaker to his parents, especially when it eliminates any possibility of being able to help your own parents,” said another.
The Dilemma Leads to Divorce
OP updated the post, saying they decided to divorce after a long conversation with her husband that went nowhere.
“I think he thought I would cave, but I’m not. Our marriage is done,” she reported. “I’m okay with it,” she added. “I bring a lot more to the table, and I’m ready to be with someone who’s an equal partner.”
We don’t blame her. OP joins the ranks of walk-away wives who refuse to become servants to their entitled husbands (or their parents).
OP’s husband will have to figure out how to care for his ailing parents independently, and OP is now free to move her parents in.
Source: Reddit