Women are fed up.
We’re fed up giving 120% in relationships when he gives 10%. We’re tired of taking care of everyone else when nobody takes care of us.
We’re exhausted by unequal relationships where we give and give while the men in our lives take and take.
But we found the secret to vetting out user men and finding an equal partner: Match his energy.
Match His Energy
Some men seem to think they’re entitled to a woman’s time, labor, and attention, especially in relationships. They’ll coast by, living life on easy mode while reaping the benefits of her labor.
It doesn’t matter how much their partner implores them to step up; they just don’t seem to get it.
That is, of course, until they get a taste of their own medicine. When a woman matches his energy, he suddenly gets all upset that he’s not getting the special treatment he deserves.
Birthday Example
One woman came to the internet to share how upset her boyfriend was after she matched his energy on birthday celebrations. The Original Poster (OP) said they’ve been together for a few years, and she typically puts a lot of effort into his birthdays.
“For his birthday, I plan a nice dinner out (get reservations and babysitter) and then get him a nice gift,” she reported, adding that the nice gift was typically sports or concert tickets to something he enjoyed, along with a hotel stay in the area so they could make a mini trip out of the occasion.
Her birthday is about a month before his, and he’s never gone through a similar effort for her. He doesn’t plan anything. Instead, he waits until she gets home from work on the day of and asks her where she wants to eat.
With no advance notice, she usually has to pick someplace kid-friendly. Her gift is usually a small, thoughtless item from Amazon.
She Matches His Energy
After yet another year with a substandard birthday celebration, OP gave up. She sold the concert tickets she had so thoughtfully gotten in advance, and when his big day arrived, she put in as much effort as he did.
She didn’t make reservations and waited until he got to work to ask him where he wanted to go. She got him a wallet and a tie, gifts similar to those he had bequeathed her through the years.
And boy, was he shocked at the lack of effort.
OP reported that her boyfriend looked confused by the gift. He even dared to express disappointment that they wouldn’t be taking a mini trip this year, like they do every year.
She retorted that she’s tired of putting so much thought and effort into his special day when he does so little for her in return, and she’s simply making things more equitable.
Feeling Guilty
Matching his energy sounds great in theory, but in practice, it’s hard to carry out. There’s so much pressure on women to take care of everyone else, even to our own detriment, that we often feel guilty about opting out.
It doesn’t help when he puts on a massive emotional show when he doesn’t get the attention he feels he deserves. They’ll pout, scream, shout, and make us feel like awful partners when we don’t step up for them, seemingly oblivious to the fact that we’re simply treating them the way they treat us.
The complex interplay of emotions led our OP to second-guess herself, so she came to the internet to find out if she was wrong.
“JuSt CoMMuNiCAte”
People value different things and show love in a wide range of ways. Communicating your expectations early on in a relationship is vital, and it’s often the internet’s first question when deciding whether someone was wrong.
Did you communicate the issue?
OP admitted that she hasn’t ever spoken to her boyfriend about this specific issue, but she has brought up the disparity of effort in different areas of their life throughout the relationship.
I disagree. People use the “You have to communicate!” as a weapon to place the fault at the victim’s feet (usually a woman) and free the guilty party (usually a man) of any wrongdoing
Basic decency and matching effort should be a given in a relationship, not something you have to beg to receive.
In OP’s case, the boyfriend is 40 years old. He has a good career and makes as much money as she does. He can see how much effort she puts into his birthday, and he knows exactly how little effort he’s giving back. He shouldn’t need someone to coddle him and explain that he’s treating her poorly.
He knows. He’s doing it because he doesn’t care, and he’s been getting away with it.
“As long as his needs continue to be met and you stick around, it is very likely a partner will not be motivated to do better by you,” said one user.
Is Matching His Energy Petty?
Some users called OP petty and insisted she was playing games. Others scoffed at this notion.
“It’s weird that it’s seen as playing games when women return the same energy. It’s almost like it’s wrong to make so little effort for the ones you claim to love?” said one user.
“No, it’s not petty,” stated another. “Why should he get a trip when he only remembers your birthday when he gets home? He puts 0% effort into your birthday, [why] should you put in 100% effort for him?” they asked.
It’s not petty to match his energy. Why should you put in so much effort when you get nothing back in return? I think more women should “match his energy.”
How to Match His Energy
OP gave a great example of how to match his energy. Put in as much effort for his birthday as he does for yours.
You can also match his energy by:
- Planning similar dates
- Texting/calling at similar rates
- Giving him as much attention when he speaks as he gives you
- Asking about his friends/family as much as he asks about yours
- Treating his friends/family how he treats yours
- Giving as many “girlfriend privileges” as he gives “boyfriend privileges”
- Treating him with the same respect he treats you with
If you feel uncomfortable doing anything on this list, you need to stop and explore why. Why does it feel wrong to treat him the same as he treats you? More than likely, it’s because he was never giving you the respect you deserve, and now that you’re doing it back, you can see how bad it was. If you wouldn’t treat someone that way, why would you be okay with someone treating you that way?
When Matching Energy Leads to Success
PeopleImages.com – Yuri A via Shutterstock.com.
Matching his energy doesn’t have to be a negative. It’s actually essential for a healthy relationship.
You want to find someone who cares as much as you do, who puts as much effort into a relationship as you do. That’s not a bad thing.
When you match his energy and find that it’s close to what you’d do anyway, you know you have a winner.
The goal is to stop putting so much effort into an unequal relationship so you can find someone who suits you.
All Relationships Take Effort
Nobody will match your energy 100%. We are all different and value different things.
However, in a good relationship, both parties make an effort to show each other love. They may do it in different ways, but someone who truly cares will try to adapt to make the other person feel loved and appreciated.
If that effort isn’t reciprocated, resentment will build. Match his energy from the start to avoid it.