Is he really that oblivious, or is he doing it badly on purpose?
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence is when one party will purposefully do something poorly or pretend they don’t know how to do something to get out of it.
They pitifully stare at the pile of bleached clothes and claim, “I guess I’m just bad at laundry.”
A Gendered Phenomena
Although neither gender monopolizes poor behavior, weaponized incompetence is a remarkably male phenomenon.
Men worldwide seem incapable of putting dishes away, shopping for groceries, watching their kids, and managing the household.
They’re fully capable. They’re using weaponized incompetence because they don’t want to do the work.
Weaponized Incompetence vs. Not Knowing
Though some people genuinely don’t know how to do something right, you can typically tell the difference between someone who truly wants to learn and someone using weaponized incompetence to avoid contributing their fair share.
Here are some signs that it’s weaponized incompetence.
It’s a Simple Task
Baffling ineptitude with simple tasks may signal weaponized incompetence. Many chores are mindless. They can figure out how to sweep a floor, wash a dish, or get the mail.
If they claim they can’t, it’s because they don’t want to.
They Ask a Million Questions
One form of weaponized incompetence has the slacker annoying the competent partner so much that they find it easier to do it themselves.
Imagine asking your husband to put the groceries away, but then he asks where every little thing goes as if he’s never opened the refrigerator in his life.
Your Stuff Gets Destroyed
Did your clothes shrink because he’s “bad at laundry?” Did your cat pee outside the litter box because he didn’t clean it properly?
When your stuff often sufferers from his incompetence, it’s a good bet he’s doing it on purpose so you never ask him to do it again.
They’re Capable at Work
It’s incredible how many men can organize, plan, and schedule their time at work but can’t manage to do the same with their personal lives.
They’re capable; they don’t want to put in the effort.
No Desire To Learn
Some chores may be more complex than others. Not everyone knows you shouldn’t use soap on cast iron pans or that bright red colors run in warm water.
People willing to do their fair share are eager to learn how to do things rights. If he throws a fit when you try to show him how to do it, he doesn’t want to do it right; he doesn’t want to do it all.
It Happens With All the Chores
We can give someone grace if they don’t know how to do one thing or consistently do one thing poorly. Everyone has a few things they just don’t seem to grasp.
However, if it’s the same story with every chore, every task, and every request, then it’s likely weaponized incompetence.
You Find Yourself Doing Everything
After a while, it’s just easier to do it all yourself.
Remember, this was his master plan. He wanted to offload all the labor onto you, and he succeeded.
Oblivious To the Problem
Weaponized incompetence encompasses far more than doing things poorly. Many pretend that they don’t even see what needs to be done.
Dishes stack up around them, they have no clean clothes, and there’s no food in the house, but they still won’t understand because they know you’ll ultimately do it if they ignore the problem long enough.
“But You’re So Good At It”
Sometimes weaponized incompetence can sound like a compliment. “Honey, you’re so good at (cooking, cleaning, planning, organizing, etc.). You should just do it.”
It’s like they think we were born with an innate ability to do these things. No, we learned to do them because we’re adults and must take care of things. They can learn too.
The Job Never Gets Done
A frustrating relative of weaponized incompetence is the planned procrastinator. You’ll ask him to do something, and he’ll happily agree.
However, days, even weeks, will go by, and he hasn’t budged. If you ask again, you’re a nag. If you give in and do it yourself, he gets all huffy and cries, “I was just about to!” so he can feel good about himself.
He wasn’t just about to.
Women Are Leaving Their Husbands In Droves
Walk away wife syndrome is all about weaponized incompetence. Women are fed up and leaving men who don’t contribute.
Here’s what woman say about it.
Complex Feelings About Being a Female Breadwinner
As female breadwinners are on the rise, it’s important to discuss the complex feelings that can arise when we shrug off societal expectations.
Ditch the Life Script
Society set up a tidy little life script we’re all supposed to follow – but we don’t have to.
Here’s why you should ditch the life script and live life on your own terms.
Avoid Hobosexuals
Some men are only looking for a free ride. They date woman so they have free housing and don’t have to lift a finger to help.
Here are some red flags that the guy you’re dating doesn’t want you, he wants to live comfortably off your hard work.
Giant Waving Red Flags That Your Relationship is Toxic
It’s hard to tell that you’re in a toxic relationship when you’re in the thick of it. If any of these red flags sound familiar, you may want to rethink your relationship.
Melanie launched Partners in Fire in 2017 to document her quest for financial independence with a mix of finance, fun, and solving the world’s problems. She’s self educated in personal finance and passionate about fighting systematic problems that prevent others from achieving their own financial goals. She also loves travel, anthropology, gaming and her cats.