Are You Dating a Hobosexual? Why Women Date Loser Men and How To Break Free

The Rise in Female Breadwinners Led to a More Insidious Rise: The Hobosexual

Women are stepping up. They’ve opted out of a life of domestic servitude and moved en masse into the workforce, where they can pay their own bills without relying on anyone else for financial security. 

Unfortunately, women’s newfound fortune sometimes attracts the worst type of mate: the hobosexual. 

What’s a Hobosexual?

A hobosexual is the new slang term for men who refuse to contribute anything to a relationship. They seek out high-earning partners to coast through life, riding on their partner’s coat tales rather than caring for themselves. 

Hobosexuals float from relationship to relationship; dating women they see as easy targets. For them, it’s not about attraction but finding someone who will support them financially, emotionally, and domestically. 

These men rely on societal expectations and gender roles to suck everything they can from their unsuspecting partner, giving back as little as possible. 

How Women End Up with Hobosexual Men

Unsuspecting women fall into the hobosexual trap every day. They’re master manipulators, preying on societal expectations and the little girl’s fantasy of true love. 

They’re far too clever to ask for money and shelter immediately. It starts with small, seemingly insignificant details. 

You want to go someplace exciting, but he can’t afford it, so you offer to pay his way because you like him and want his company. The money doesn’t matter. 

But soon, he can’t seem to afford anything, and you’re paying all the bills while he blows his money on junk like video games. 

But it’s not only financial matters. He’ll convince you to live with him, but you find yourself buying everything for the household while doing most of the housework and emotional labor. 

You’re not just the breadwinner; you’re now the sole provider, maid, cook, and household manager, and you aren’t sure how you got there. 

The relationship didn’t start so one-sided. He gradually offloaded all his responsibilities to you. 

Like a frog in boiling water, you didn’t realize how hot it was getting, how much you were taking on until it hit the boiling point, and you found yourself handling everything while he sat back and coasted through life. 

The Female Hobosexual

It’s not just a women’s issue. Anybody can be taken advantage of in a relationship. Awful women are out there trying to get men to pay for everything, and same-sex relationships face the same challenges. 

It’s not men that are users. People, in general, can be users. It’s a humanity issue. When someone sees a free ride, they try to hitch on, regardless of gender. 

However, there are unique issues affecting women that make it easier for female breadwinners to get sucked into this trap. 

Social and Psychological Reasons Women Get Taken Advantage Of

Female breadwinners find themselves in the “mom” role for numerous reasons. Some are societal, based on social expectations related to gender roles. In contrast, others are psychological, related to how a specific woman internalized messages from their childhood about how to treat people or behave. 

As a high earner, I’ve found myself in relationships with men seeking to take advantage all too many times. 

My reasons are a mix of both. 

Societal Expectations

Women who outearn their partners often fight complex emotional battles. They’re overwhelmed with guilt and shame and often downplay their salaries to soften the blow to their partner’s ego. 

As a woman who outearned all her partners, I understand. 

I feel guilty because I can do things my partner can’t do. I don’t want to exclude him, and I don’t want the shame of telling my friends that he can’t come to a particular event or outing because he can’t afford it.

Rather than explore the root of my issues or explore them together to reach a healthy compromise that worked for both partners, I overcompensated. I tried way too hard to ensure that whoever I was dating didn’t feel bad about their lack of income, going so far as to call it “our money,” letting them pay for dinner with my credit card and allowing them access to my funds, so they didn’t feel like they were missing out. 

How Feelings of Shame & Guilt Attract Users

These feelings create prime conditions for the manipulative user to strike. They understand your feelings. Some are even empaths, having the innate ability to feel them with you, though not all are. 

It doesn’t take an empath to learn the complex feelings surrounding changing culture and find ways to use that to your advantage. 

Hobosexuals became masters of it. They seek out high-earning women who have complex feelings about their societal role and use that to their advantage. 

Overcoming The Shame

It’s difficult to overcome the complex feelings that arise from outearning your partner. 

However, learning that their issues aren’t your problem and that a relationship takes two caring partners are essential steps. 

Therapy can help drive the message home. 

Their Feelings Aren’t Your Problem

Although we want our partners to be happy, we shouldn’t sacrifice our well-being to accommodate their feelings. 

Passing him my card so he could feel “manly” about paying for dinner is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever done. I was so concerned about protecting his ego that I couldn’t enjoy myself. 

If a man can’t graciously accept that his partner earns more and wants to pay, he shouldn’t be with a higher-earning partner. He could also work to increase his income to make it more, even if it really bothered him. 

His complicated feelings about being with a woman who earns more are his problem, not hers. He needs to deal with them without resorting to taking advantage of her. 

What Partnership Is

Learning what true partnership is helps you recognize those who want to take advantage. A true partner will care for you just as you care for them. 

The contributions don’t have to be financial. We often fall into the trap of thinking that a man, as a provider, must provide an income and nothing else, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Men can give domestic labor and emotional support just as well as women. Some men are better at it; some women are worse. 

True partnership plays to each other’s strengths and weaknesses, with both contributing something to the relationship.

Relationships should be give-and-take on both sides, not just give on one side and take on the other.

Therapy

If you can’t overcome these feelings alone, consider seeking therapy. 

When trying to navigate an abusive relationship that I didn’t realize was abusive at the time, I saw a therapist. I opened up about my guilt. 

I expressed how uncomfortable I was doing simple things for myself, like ordering take-out. I didn’t want to pay for him because, at this point, I was sick of giving everything while he refused to put in any effort. But I still felt terrible about bringing food home for just myself. 

My philosophy has always been that you should take care of each other if you are in a relationship, and I felt guilty if I did anything that made it seem like I wasn’t caring for him. 

In my twisted worldview, I made more money and should pay for everything. It didn’t matter that he didn’t care for my needs; I should give more and more of myself because that’s what you do when you love someone. 

Therapy taught me how messed up that way of thinking is. You should want to take care of your partner, but not to the point where you limit yourself. 

Your partner should care for you in return. If they don’t, they aren’t a partner. They’re using you. 

Internalizing Childhood Socialization

Society sees women as caring nurturers and constantly bombards them with messages reinforcing this role throughout their lives. 

Our toys are baby dolls and kitchen sets. The media shows us doting mothers and working fathers. We even see it in our own homes, with Dad on the couch while Mom runs the household. 

For the past few generations, that’s how things were. Women were forced into the role and didn’t have any other options. 

Although our legal options have completely changed since our grandmother’s time, culture is slower to adapt, and the messages we hear often fill our brains with the idea of how we’re supposed to act. 

My Experience As Society’s Caring Nurturer

I embraced the message. 

I care so much about people, especially someone I’m in a relationship with. I’ll do anything I can to make them feel special and loved. I’ll go above and beyond to make sure their needs are met. I feel the need to take care of them, and I genuinely want to do those things for the person I love. 

I thought that’s what you were supposed to do in a relationship. 

However, I realized that both partners need to care. 

Women often give so much of themselves in relationships because they were socialized to nurture everyone else, and they rarely receive the same appreciation in return. Their loving gestures soon become baseline expectations in the relationship, while their partners sit back and enjoy the treatment while never reciprocating. 

Many women, including myself, enjoy taking care of people, especially our partners. However, hobosexuals will take advantage of that caring nature. We must remember that a relationship is give and take, and a good partner will care for us in return. 

Why Do Men Take Advantage of Women?

We’ve covered how women fall into a hobosexual’s trap, but the glaring elephant in the room is why so many men refuse to contribute to relationships. 

Why are there so many hobosexuals out there, desperately searching for a woman to take care of them?

Men become hobosexuals for the same reasons women fall into the trap: gender roles and socialization. They both showcase how the patriarchy hurts everyone. 

Men’s Societal Roles

Society tells men they must be providers, but as more and more women take on that role, men feel left out. 

They feel emasculated when their partners outearn them because society deems a man who can’t pay “unmanly.” Some embrace it and revert to a childhood self. They refuse to engage in society and find a woman to care for them. 

Socializing Men

Men and women receive very different messages in childhood. Little girls learn they must nurture everyone else, while little boys learn they’re the hero of the story and are entitled to whatever they want. 

The misogynistic messaging leads some men to believe they’re entitled to a woman’s labor. They see nothing wrong with using her because that’s what women are for. 

Some People Are Awful

Though some men become hobosexuals due to societal expectations and internalized childhood messaging, the truth is most hobosexuals are just bad people. 

Many people of both genders are awful. They manipulate others and take advantage of kindness. They lovebomb to create feelings of love and partnership. 

Men don’t have a monopoly on awfulness, but we don’t call awful women hobosexuals. We call them golddiggers or worse. 

How Do I Stop Being Taken Advantage of?

If you’re reading this, seeing yourself in my experiences, recognizing the one-sided nature of your relationship, or realizing that most of your relationships end up this way, rest assured there is hope. 

Here are some things you can do to prevent yourself from falling into the same trap. 

Choosing Your Partner

The “not all men” crowd is right. Not all men seek women to care for them. Millions of men want equal relationships and will give just as much as they receive.

Choosing the right partner is crucial to avoiding hobosexuals. 

The signs are usually there in the beginning; you must know how to spot them. 

Red Flags Your Dating a Hobosexual

There are eight red flags that you should look for in the dating phase to weed out men looking for a free ride from their partner:

1. Addiction
2. Lack of household items
3. Serial Unemployment
4. Blaming Others
5. Too Agreeable
6. Too Invested Too Early
7. Expecting you to Pay
8. Emotional Abuse

Let’s look at these in-depth and uncover why they’re red flags. 

Addiction

I feel for men suffering from substance abuse disorders. They desperately need help. 

Unfortunately, they often search for women to support them (and their habit) rather than seek the help they need. 

Addicts won’t tell you they’re an addict. They’ll go to great lengths to hide their substance abuse. People with an addiction are great at lying about their behavior, at least in the short term. 

If you’ve never had experience with people with a substance use disorder before, it’s hard to see the signs. At what point does having a six-pack every night become a problem?

Once you’ve determined there’s a problem, cut them loose. Don’t fall into the trap that “you can help them.” They will not change for you. They will only make your life miserable as they spiral further and further. 

Watch for the signs while in the dating phase. Get out early if you see them. 

Lack of Household Items

If you’re dating an adult, they should have adult things. Their house should contain items adults use regularly. 

A lack of household essentials is a massive red flag you shouldn’t ignore. 

When I first started dating my most recent ex, I’d have to bring toilet paper with me when I went to his place because he couldn’t be bothered to get it. 

I thought it was funny at the time. 

Now I realize he couldn’t even really care for himself like an adult, so how could I expect him to care for me in the adult ways I’d need? The answer is that he couldn’t. 

A thirty-something-year-old man who can’t afford basic household necessities is a giant waving hobosexual red flag. He doesn’t care for himself because he’s looking for someone else to care for him.

It doesn’t have to be you.  

Serial Unemployment

I believe in the best in people. 

If someone tells me they are out of work because they just fell on hard times, I tend to believe them. I don’t hold anyone’s job (or lack thereof!) against them. I don’t want to be that “golddigger” who only dates men with high-paying jobs. 

However, I have learned that serially unemployed men are the biggest users.

They don’t want to work; they want to find someone to care for them. They purposefully quit their jobs at any slight to their egos, real or imagined. They feel like they’re “too good” for lower-paying jobs but won’t do anything to improve their career outlooks. 

Men like this are poisons to women. They’ll use any excuse not to work and are unlikely to pick up the household slack in return. That’s “women’s work,” and they’re above it. But they’ll also use our socialization against us. They’ll make us feel like “golddiggers” for expecting them to contribute financially to the household, gaslighting us into believing asking them to get a job is a horrific strike against their freedom. 

Anyone can fall victim to hard times, but an unemployed man should be looking for work, not a girlfriend. Women must also watch out for men whose bosses are always against them, who can’t get along with coworkers, and who seem to burn every bridge they encounter. 

Blaming Others

A man who can’t admit when he’s wrong is unlikely to be a good partner. If he constantly blames others for his failures, he may be unwilling to do the work necessary to succeed, both in life and in a relationship. 

Did he lose his job because there was a layoff and he didn’t have the experience to stay, or did he lose his job because Jan from accounting talked badly about him to the boss? Does he blame his parents for his behavior, or does he hold himself accountable? 

People who want to play the victim about everything and refuse to accept responsibility for anything in their lives are not ready to grow up and have an adult relationship. They want to be taken care of. They will blame and gaslight you when you don’t do what they want.

Too Agreeable

Agreeableness seems like an excellent quality for a partner on the surface, but you must tread carefully. 

If someone just agrees to everything you say, are they really listening? Or are they just saying what they think you want to hear? 

An excellent way to tell is to pay attention to their actions rather than words. Someone who is just telling you what you want to hear won’t follow through. They will repeatedly disappoint you while promising they care and will do better next time. 

Don’t fall for it. 

Watch for the early signs of a smooth talker – they will agree with everything but won’t follow through with anything.

All in Too Soon

Manipulative people employ Love Bombing to get what they want. They will tell you how amazing you are, how they’ve never met anyone like you, and how you must be their soulmate within the first few weeks of dating. 

Many people recognize it as a giant red flag, but for some of us Disney Princess wannabes, meeting someone you instantly connect with on that level is a dream come true. 

Unfortunately, more likely than not, it’s just a fairy tale. It isn’t real. 

You can’t know someone well enough after a few weeks to see that you want to be with them forever. Although some people marry quickly and make it work, there’s nothing wrong with waiting and taking things slow. If it’s meant to be, it will still be if you marry after two years rather than six months. 

Expecting You to Pay

In the dating phase, both parties should offer to pay on occasion. It shows you both care about the partnership moving forward and both want to contribute.

A hobosexual will stop paying as soon as they can. They’ll stop reaching for their wallet the second they know you will cover the bill. He’ll make grand plans knowing he can’t afford it, assuming you’ll cover it. 

If he doesn’t even attempt to pay anymore, he might be taking advantage of you.

This doesn’t apply if you are in a long-term relationship and have discussed who pays for what. But if you just started dating someone who expects you to pay all the time, you may want to re-evaluate.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is a clear sign that your partner is taking advantage of you, but one that’s difficult to see when you’re in the thick of it. Identifying it is challenging because we don’t teach people the signs of emotional abuse. 

Instead, we’re taught to care for everyone, be nice, do everything around the house, and be thankful that we even caught a man, regardless of how he treats us. 

The idea that being in a relationship is the pinnacle achievement for women leads to a rampant amount of emotional abuse, and the worst thing is that most women don’t even recognize the behavior as abusive.

I was one of those women.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over five years, and it just kept getting worse and worse. The thing is, I didn’t recognize the behavior as abusive. We aren’t taught those things. 

So, to help other women who might be in similar situations, I wrote a mini-ebook outlining some of the signs of emotional abuse, using stories from my life.

It was tough to write and may be challenging to read, both for the content and lack of a decent editor,  but if my example can help anyone else avoid abuse, it was worthwhile to write.

How To Avoid Hobosexuals

Choosing the right partner is paramount to avoid getting taken advantage of, but there are other things you can do, though.  

Use discretion when disclosing your salary, take things slowly, set clear boundaries, and protect yourself to avoid hobosexuals. 

Don’t Disclose Your Salary

 When a hobosexual knows how much you make, they seek ways to benefit.

It starts small, like asking to borrow a few bucks they do not intend to repay. However, it always grows. They’ll start planning weekend getaways they expect you to pay for and going over budget on shopping trips. In their mind, you make more than enough to cover it, so why does it matter?

I’ve learned not to disclose my salary to anyone unless we are at the point of combining finances. The “what’s mine is yours” mentality only works when both people are on board.

Take It Slow

Fools rush in, as they say. And I’m not going to lie; I’ve been incredibly foolish.

I’ve since learned that taking things slowly is a better approach. It takes a long time for the rose-colored glasses to wear off, and you want to be sure that you are still independent when they do. 

When wearing rose-colored glasses, red flags look like regular flags.

Set Boundaries

Many women struggle to set and enforce boundaries. However, this work is vital for protecting yourself, especially if you’re a breadwinner. 

Make it clear from the beginning that caring for anyone but yourself is not your job. Don’t feel obligated to buy him things that he can’t buy himself, and don’t let him make you feel guilty about it. 

Ensure that the relationship is moving at a pace that you are comfortable with. The boundaries that you set need to be what is comfortable for you. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they don’t respect you, and you should reconsider the budding relationship. 

Protect Yourself

Sometimes, it takes a long time for a manipulator to show their true colors (or for us to notice them!). Protecting yourself is crucial to avoid falling into a user’s trap. 

Keep all of your accounts separate. If you decide to merge finances at one point, maintain at least one account in your name alone. It’s always wise to have a safety net.

Don’t cosign for anything unless you’re married. I stupidly cosigned a car for a previous partner, which left me holding the bag for years. 

A final thing you can do is request a prenuptial agreement before marriage. It’s a sensitive topic, but a prenup is a good idea if a significant financial disparity exists.

How Do You Tell if a Guy Is Taking Advantage of You?

Identifying hobosexuals isn’t easy. Some are master manipulators. Their entire goal is to make you think they love you so they can continue their life on easy mode. 

First, ask yourself if this article resonated with you. There might be hints of inequity in your relationship if it did. 

You may also notice he’s ignoring your boundaries or your relationship lacks equality. 

Unequal Partnership

They say that relationships should be 50/50, but it’s fair to say that it will never be 50/50 at any given time. 

We all have ups and downs. In a good partnership, there will be times when you give 100% and times when you give 0. That’s life – you carry each other when needed. 

But when you’re being taken advantage of, it will feel like you constantly give 90-100% while never getting anything in return (hint: because that’s what’s happening!). 

If you are constantly giving and giving and giving without getting taken care of in return, you are probably being taken advantage of. 

Ignoring Boundaries

 A solid partner should respect your limits and work to ensure you feel safe and secure. 

Users will push those boundaries and do everything they can to get you to ease up so they can push the line further and further back.

A great example of this is spending money. I’m happy to help with basic living expenses, but I expect a partner to pay for his needs before his wants. My ex would spend his money on video games and then be unable to afford his bills. 

Of course, there was always a sob story behind it. His work cut his hours unexpectedly, or he got paid later than expected. I stupidly accepted these excuses, and eventually, it became customary for him to buy games while I paid his bills.

What Do You Do When Your Boyfriend Takes Advantage of You?

So what should you do right now if you’re in a relationship where you’re being taken advantage of? 

The first step is to see a counselor. If you think the relationship can be salvaged, bring him with you and do couples therapy. He may notice that his behavior is detrimental. 

Therapy only works if both partners want it to work. Some men specifically seek out relationships like this. They don’t want to change. They enjoy life on easy mode. They chose you because they knew you would be an easy target. 

These hobosexual men may even talk a big game in therapy. However, pay attention to their actions. If all they do is talk without following through, they’re just trying to keep their free ride.

In cases like this, it’s best to get out. I know it’s more challenging than just leaving, so check out this post about how to plan to escape. 

Your safety is the top priority. 

Women Don’t Have to Settle for Hobosexual Men

Society is rapidly changing, with culture lagging. Even highly accomplished women who save lives, develop new technologies, and run global corporations feel that their lives aren’t complete with a man. 

These powerful women settle with hobosexuals who refuse to contribute. 

Fortunately, culture is shifting, and more and more women realize that they don’t need to settle with these users. They’re choosing to remain single rather than play housemaid to a man who doesn’t earn his keep. 

There are also plenty of men out there who will contribute. Finding one is worth the wait.