Millions of mothers would jump at the opportunity to stay home and raise their kids. It’s an absolute privilege to have the option and to embark upon that journey.
However, no one talks about the extreme vulnerability that stay-at-home mothers face.
Most stay-at-home moms aren’t independently wealthy. They don’t have trust funds, and they haven’t achieved financial independence. They can stay home because their husbands, the fathers, work hard and provide for them and their children.
And it’s a highly vulnerable position to be in.
Thankful and Vulnerable
One woman stirred a lively debate when she posted on X, the social media channel formerly known as Twitter, about her privileged yet vulnerable position.
She began with how thankful she is but admitted that she’s 100% reliant on her husband for her financial security, now and in the future.
i am thankful to be home with my kids, but it’s dishonest to act like it’s not an extremely vulnerable position. I’m not paying into social security. I am 100% reliant on someone else’s income. I’ve now been out of the traditional work force for almost six years.
— emily (@emilykmay) November 5, 2023
She added that she’s been out of the workforce for six years and isn’t eligible to draw her own Social Security benefits. She’s entirely dependent on her husband.
Many Women Found Out the Hard Way
Antonio Guillem via Shutterstock.com.
The post gave women in similar positions the opportunity to share their stories. Many learned the harsh lesson that you can never depend on someone else for your livelihood.
These women had their worlds turned upside down when their husbands cheated, suffered a traumatic illness, or just decided they didn’t want to be married to them anymore.
I know too many women who are now stuck with abusive, sex addict husbands and have no financial way out. They were floored by their spouses addiction. These men comparmentalize and have secret lives.
— Robin Mathews, Ed.S. (@romathio) November 6, 2023
SAHM are vulnerable for sure. I’m 47, and I have a great husband. He was just diagnosed with cancer though, and I’m scared for lots of reasons. Maybe I would have kept up my teaching certification or started a different career path if I could do over.
— wanderingviolet (@hayworth25) November 6, 2023
If my husband decided he didn’t love me anymore and left me, I would be destitute. The earning potential Ive lost through being a homemaker for most of my 20s statistically cannot be made up. It’s a very vulnerable position, and I understand why risk averse women would not do it
— Crystal (@Methistophales) November 5, 2023
My marriage ended after 21yrs.
He is doing just fine. I am not.
I now regret some choices that have made me so financially vulnerable.— JanE (@jananeli) November 5, 2023
Get a post-nup. My “Christian” husband dumped me after 20 yrs of marriage and 14 yrs as a SAHM. It was brutal financially.
— Lawmom (@Lawmom) November 6, 2023
Stay-at-Home Moms Understand
Even stay-at-home moms who feel secure in their marriages acknowledge the massive amount of trust they put in their husbands.
It’s the scariest and most vulnerable position I’ve ever been in. I don’t regret being a SAHM, but it’s a lot of reliance on someone else. 22yo me would be shocked.
I do require we contribute equal amounts into both our Roths and I am the manager of money to prevent surprises.
— Taylor.Imp.Now (@imp_now) November 5, 2023
Yep. Been there & it is a vulnerable position that had a hugely negative impact on my career. Something I didn’t fully comprehend.
I don’t regret it. I am back at work & enjoy what I’m doing & have chosen something with more flexibility but it was a difficult transition.
— Anne with an “e” (@mrsmaris) November 6, 2023
I would never, ever put myself in that position, but I have seen it work for a few friends. I’ve also seen it really, really not work for a lot of folks. The number one brightline rule seems to be this: the first time he ever refers to the household income as “my money” …
— Cora Guffey (@clguffey) November 5, 2023
Financial Abuse of Stay-at-Home Moms
Yta23 via Shutterstock.com.
Many of the responses hinted at an uncomfortable truth: stay-at-home moms are at high risk of financial abuse.
For the system to work, the breadwinner must see the stay-at-home partner as an equal partner who contributes equally to the home. It’s a privilege for him to have someone home to raise the kids and tend to the house.
But in far too many cases, he doesn’t see it that way. He doesn’t value his wife’s work and thinks that because he makes the money, he should get the final say in all financial decisions. Some men go so far as to restrict access to bank accounts, offer an allowance that barely covers the cost of food, and limit their wives’ opportunities to work outside the home. It can become a toxic trap that’s nearly impossible to escape.
The Harsh Truth of Motherhood
The discussion highlights a harsh truth about motherhood. The entire experience leaves women vulnerable, especially in a society that doesn’t value motherhood.
Women have the agonizing decision to stay home and raise their kids while sacrificing their earning power and risking a life of destitution should the marriage not work out, or continue with their careers while someone else raises their kids.
Moms who stay home get called lazy freeloaders, and moms who work get called selfish. Moms can’t win no matter what they do.
Society would be much better off if we collectively started to celebrate motherhood rather than punish it.