Women flock to internet forums for advice on how to make their partners understand their needs.
The stories are all the same. He does something she doesn’t like, and she clearly communicates how she feels. She explains why she doesn’t like it, how he can fix it, and what it means to her.
But he keeps doing the same thing (or not doing the thing, in a lot of cases).
The frustrated woman comes to the internet, wondering how to get him to understand her simple request.
These women don’t want to see the truth. He gets it. He understands. He just doesn’t care.
He Gets It, He Just Doesn’t Care
New Africa via Shutterstock.com.
Examples of this phenomenon abound on the internet. Men refuse to clean up after themselves, claiming they “don’t see the mess” despite her fourteenth attempt at showing him the mess. Men grab their partners without consent, make horrific jokes, throw temper tantrums, and offload all the domestic work without a second thought. Meanwhile, their partners are exhausted from trying to get these guys to understand basic empathy and adulthood.
The conversations always go the same way. She explains what’s wrong; he feigns sadness and promises to do better. He puts on the guilty woe is me, I’m not good enough act, and she coddles him, so he doesn’t feel bad about himself.
And nothing ever changes.
He Doesn’t Want To Change
One woman came to Reddit to tell everyone the harsh truth they’re avoiding: He does not want to change. He knows exactly what he’s doing, and you are not important enough for him to change.
“He is quite comfortable with you being unhappy/uncomfortable/burnt out/traumatized as long as it means he gets what he wants and can keep the status quo,” said the Original Poster (OP), adding, “There isn’t a special way to rephrase your feelings that will get through to him finally, or a special tactic you can use to get him to respect you.”
She’s right. He isn’t harming you out of ignorance, but out of malice. He knows exactly what he’s doing (or not doing). And it’s working for him. He’s coasting off your labor. And he manipulates your empathy by playing the victim whenever you get frustrated in the hopes that you’ll eventually give up and keep doing everything without complaint.
He’s Competent Everywhere Else
How does OP know he’s capable?
Because he’s competent in every other aspect of his life. He presumably made it through school, where he had to follow specific rules. He probably has a job and has to perform to a particular standard at work.
“He can read, follow directions, listen, understand consequences, and act to avoid them,” she said. The only difference is that he doesn’t care enough about you to do those things in your relationship.
Of course, if none of this is true, you might be dating a hobosexual, but that’s a bit of a different story.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Many of these men will manipulate their partners with loving words and empty promises. “I love you so much,” they’ll say, but they can’t even show her the basic courtesy of putting their own clothes in the hamper.
“Saying “I care about you,” “I love you,” “I’m trying,” “I’m sorry” does not mean those things are true. Actions make those words true,” says OP. She also explained that a man who loves you won’t play dumb over communication, won’t weaponize your empathy, and will step up when an issue is brought to his attention – the first time.
Just Communicate
OP’s advice flies in the face of most internet advice. Reddit users (predominantly male) often tell women struggling in these relationships that they need to communicate better.
It’s never the man’s fault he doesn’t understand that dishes need washing; it’s the woman’s fault for not explaining it to him. And if she explained it to him 15 times already, it’s still her fault for not explaining it correctly.
She has to try every communication style on the planet, draw pictures, make videos, and explain how his lack of effort makes her feel, all without hurting his fragile ego in the process. If she can’t manage that, well, the dishes are on her.
You Deserve Better Ladies
Ladies, you deserve better. You deserve an equal partner who respects you, and you’re feelings. You deserve a partner who cares about you and wants to make your life easier.
Women no longer need to settle for men who make their lives more difficult. We can go at it alone. You don’t need to stay with him if he doesn’t add value to your life.
No amount of communication will make a man respect you. He knows he’s taking advantage, and he does not care. In fact, his entire fake “I’m so sorry I’m the worst” and “but I love you so much” are manipulations designed to get you to keep providing him free labor. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
You deserve better.
Source: Reddit