Far too many people want to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without giving anything in return. They feel entitled to their partner’s time, labor, money, and energy, using it to enhance their lives while refusing to offer anything close to the same.
And they use manipulation tactics to keep the gravy train flowing.
Manipulation Tactics Men Use
Unscrupulous members of both genders use manipulation to get what they want. But since I’m a woman who supports women, I’m focusing on the terrible ways shady men manipulate women. (#notallmen)
Some men want to live life on easy mode. They want a relationship, but they don’t want to contribute to it. They want their partner to be at their beck and call for emotional labor, financial support, and intimacy, but don’t want to reciprocate. In short, they want a bang maid, a woman who will do everything for them without complaint while happily accepting any scrap he deigns to provide (which is usually just subpar sex).
They achieve this goal with manipulation, finding and exploiting women’s weaknesses that were finely crafted with centuries of misogyny.
To help you see through the disguise, we’ve identified the most common manipulation tactics toxic men use to make their wives and girlfriends second-guess their reasonable standards.
Anything We Want is Controlling
Anytime a woman expresses a boundary with these men, it’s controlling. He’s a master at acting like basic requests are unreasonable demands.
How dare she say he can’t hang out with his female best friend, who he hooked up with that one time, alone (but god forbid she tried to have lunch with a male colleague).
Asking him to contribute his share to the bills is controlling his finances. Expecting him to help around the house is controlling his free time.
No, bro, expecting you to contribute the bare minimum is not controlling. It’s called being an adult.
“You’re Not Like Other Girls”
Society taught women that girls are “lesser,” so the last thing we want is to be like a girl.
When he tells us “We’re not like other girls,” because we allow him to spend his free time ignoring us in favor of video games or to blow all his money on OnlyFans, we glow with pride.
He’s banking on our desire to rise above what society deems “lesser.” He’s using the idea that there’s something innately wrong with femininity to make us accept his inappropriate behavior.
He gets away with it because of misogyny. When you learn there’s nothing wrong with “other girls,” you can break free of this insidious manipulation tactic.
The Dreaded Gold Digger
Most women hate being called gold-diggers. Society taught us that women who marry for money are the worst of the worst – greedy users who are barely a step up from prostitutes. They’re horrible women who pretend they’re in love only to lead an unsuspecting man to the slaughter.
Toxic men use our aversion to the idea against us by claiming that anytime we even think about his finances, we’re gold-digging. We can’t ask him to get a job, pay his share at a restaurant, or even treat us on occasion, because if we do, we’re monsters that are only after his money.
It’s always the men without any gold to dig who use this manipulation tactic, too. I can’t fathom how expecting a man to contribute financially to the home he lives in became “toxic,” but these guys convince thousands of women it’s true.
Saying We’re Materialistic
The derision of “You’re materialistic” is the gold-diggers’ closely related cousin. Women aren’t allowed to want a nice home or modern luxuries (like a throw rug, a lamp, decent clothes, or *gasp* jewelry without being labeled “materialistic”).
We should thrive in his minimalistic abode, never wanting for anything.
The manipulation tactic is even worse when he uses it to control our money. How dare we buy something nice for ourselves when that cash could have flown to his pockets?
How We Expressed Ourselves Hurt His Feelings
It’s not that we have a need; it’s how we asked for that need. We should have been nicer, blunter, gentler, or (insert adjective here).
But since we weren’t, we’ve hurt his man feelings, an unforgivable sin for which we must grovel for mercy. We must grovel so hard that we forget the initial complaint.
Try as we might, we can never find the right words or the right tone to address our very valid concerns. I guess we should just let it go.
50/50 is Fair
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock.com.
50/50 can be fair in some situations, but a lot of men’s idea of 50/50 is anything but.
Men seem to think financial contributions are the only contributions to a household. They’ll demand a 50/50 split on the bills, but refuse to contribute 50/50 to the chores.
Others use the “50/50 is fair” tactic to subsidize his life of luxury, demanding they live in the expensive side of town and eat at the best restaurants while traveling three times per year. She must pay half of every expense, even though she’d live in cheaper accommodations and eat at home if she weren’t with him.
She works herself nearly to death and can’t save a dime, while his savings and investments soar.
Of course, if she brings up the disparity or asks him for financial help, she’s a materialistic gold-digger only looking for a free ride, and we already talked about that.
A Baseline Expectation is “Ridiculous”
The saying “the bar is in hell” comes from the common manipulation tactic where men claim that the most basic expectation is silly or ridiculous, then refuse to participate.
Anything from asking for a birthday gift, a date night, or a little help around the house is scoffed at as a ridiculous demand to be derided. He makes her feel like she’s the unreasonable one for asking that he even remember her birthday or Christmas. And she wants him to celebrate it too?? What kind of insanity is that?
How so many men get women to believe they’re the unreasonable ones for expecting the bare minimum, I’ll never know.
If You Loved Me You’d….
People who don’t really love you use love as a tool to get what they want. They know how important love is to us, so they weaponize it, using it against us like a hammer.
If you loved me, you’d serve me and keep the house clean despite working longer hours. If you loved me, you’d submit to my every whim, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.
If they loved us, they wouldn’t manipulate us by gatekeeping what our love should look like.
You Should Love Me Unconditionally
Society created a ridiculous idea of love, promoting the false claim that romantic love should be unconditional.
Men use this notion to get away with the worst behavior. He cheats, steals, and refuses to contribute, but she needs to accept it because she’s supposed to love him unconditionally. “You should love me for who I am,” they lament, using it as an excuse to refuse any hint of self-improvement.
That’s a hard no. My love has conditions. First and foremost, you have to love and respect me back.
Physical Touch is My Love Language
Though the book The Five Languages of Love may not be accurate, it features some great gems to help you show your partner appreciation. But of course, with any popular psychology, people will find a way to twist it to their own benefit.
Enter the toxic men who claim physical touch is their love language.
But they never mean hugs, hand holding, cuddling, or soft caresses – the only physical touch that shows them love is sex.
They don’t care if you’re not in the mood; you must not love them if you don’t give it up. Gag me.
Acting Like They Don’t Get It
The blubbering imbecile husband was a mainstay of 90s television. He had no idea she wanted a birthday present, that the kids needed to eat, or that the dishes should be washed.
You can tell him these things again and again, and it’s like talking to a brick wall because he just can’t understand.
Give me a break. He knows how hard you work to keep the household afloat, but he acts like he doesn’t because he’s living life on easy mode. If he acknowledged all that you do, he’d have to step up and help, and he doesn’t want to.
He gets it. He just doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to make your life easier, because you’re there to serve him, not the other way around. Feigning ignorance is the easy way to keep the farce going.
Calling Us Selfish
You don’t want to be on call 24/7 with YOUR OWN CHILD without a break? How selfish of you! A good wife would want to be his servant. A good mom wants to be around her children nonstop. You’re just selfish for asking him to help.
In fact, anything you want is selfish, whether it’s taking a five-minute break to shower, eating the food you like, or watching your favorite television show.
He’s calling you selfish because it speaks to your desire to please and serve (a gendered desire formed by cultural misogyny). If he can convince you that anything you want is selfish, he gets to do what he wants all the time.
Playing the Victim
The poor man is so sad and depressed. He can never do anything right. He’s so useless and undeserving.
His puppy dog eyes and howls of agony make us feel horrible for expressing a need. How could we be so cruel?
Anytime we ask for anything, the same script unfolds. He wallows in the misery of his failures, and of course, we feel bad, so we try to make him feel better about himself, hopefully forgetting what we wanted in the process.
We learn never to ask for anything to avoid hurting his fragile feelings. He got what he wanted.
You Need To Compromise
Some folks think compromise means “give up what you want and give me what I want.” Men will scream that women refuse to compromise about everything, from changing their name in marriage, to having kids, where to live, who pays for what, etc., but the reality is, he wants it his way.
When he says “you won’t compromise,” but his only “compromise” is exactly what he wants, he’s manipulating you. It makes you sound unreasonable (after all, reasonable people compromise!), but if he refuses to give an inch, who’s the unreasonable one?
You’re Just Better at It
I would do the dishes, but I always leave them dirty. I don’t know how to use the washing machine. The dog likes you better, so why don’t you take her out?
You’d think the poor man was incompetent, since he can’t figure out how to boil water, plug in the vacuum, or put the kids to bed.
He could learn to do these things, but failing it at and claiming you’re better at it as if a vagina gave you secret dish washing powers he can never hope to replicate ensures he doesn’t have to do it.
And that’s what he really wants. It’s weaponized incompetence at its finest.
There’s Something Wrong With You
I will never forget the Reddit story where a woman came to the internet seeking help with a serious body odor problem. Her boyfriend insisted she smelled bad, and try as she might, she could not solve the problem.
This poor girl bought tons of lotions and soaps. She changed her detergent, showered multiple times per day, and fixed her diet. Nothing helped.
It turned out she didn’t have a body odor problem. She smelled fine – her boyfriend made it up to make her insecure so she’d never leave him.
She left him.
Logic vs Emotional
Men love to call themselves the logical sex and claim all women are just irrational, emotional beings.
It’s hilarious because they’ll spout off the most insane theories based on emotion (usually horniness or rage that they can’t get a date) then claim it’s “rational.”
My dude, you just don’t understand your emotions. It’s absolutely not “logical” to want to lock up 50% of the population just so you can get laid.
Also, I’ve never seen a woman fly into a rage and hit a wall. Is anger not an emotion? How would I know? I’m probably too emotional about all this.
I Fell for Them Too
I’ve had my share of horrible relationships with manipulative men. I wrote a book about my experiences, called This is Abuse, to help other women recognize the hidden signs of emotional and mental abuse.
Why Do Women Fall For These Manipulation Tactics?
Though we’ve shared these common manipulation tactics with a bit of humor, the reality isn’t very funny.
Millions of women (myself included) fall victim to these tactics.
But asking why is akin to victim blaming. We need to reframe the question to “why do so many men have no qualms about using these manipulation tactics to coast through life on their partners’ coattails?”
We need to address the systematic misogyny that makes women vulnerable to these tactics and change our idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. In addition, we need to change the way we raise our kids, so little boys no longer feel entitled to women’s labor, and little girls realize they don’t have to make themselves small to find love.
Society has taken great strides towards gender equality in recent decades, but there’s still work to be done. We can achieve it if we work together.