Parents worldwide whisper sweet, comforting lies to their children, telling them that they’re perfect and that someday, they’ll find someone who loves them for who they are.
It’s a comforting lie, but it’s not true. Parents may love their children unconditionally, but no one else will.
The idea that love transcends all permeates our culture, giving everyone a toxic idea of what love looks like. We need to accept the harsh truth that love isn’t enough. Love doesn’t conquer all.
The Myth that Love Conquers All
The insidious notion that love transcends all places romantic love at the center of the universe and tries to tell people that as long as they love someone, nothing else matters.
The idea is so engrained that it appears all over the media, in movies, shows, songs, and poems. It’s a major theme in the hit movie The Mexican, starring Julia Roberts and Brad Pitt, where both parties get asked:
“When two people love each other, really love each other, but they just can’t get it together, when do you get to that point where enough is enough?”
Robert’s character had some realistic demands of a relationship, but her answer was wrong. The “right” answer was “never.” It’s never enough, and you must always try to make it work if you really love each other.
Here’s why that’s not true.
Love Doesn’t Pay The Bills
The Beatles sang, “Money can’t buy love,” while that’s true, the opposite is also true. Have you ever tried paying the water bill with love? They’ll laugh in your face.
Far too many people (myself included!) stay in relationships with someone who won’t’ work and won’t contribute to the bills because “love.” We love them and think that’s enough, but it’s not.
Money Matters
Money is an essential component to a happy, secure life. We need it to survive and thrive.
Some folks have such a romanticized notion of life that they believe love transcends the need for money. They have no jobs, yet think they’re desirable partners, and get angry when nobody wants to date them. But deep down, they know that money matters, because they expect their partners to pay the bills.
Others get angry, despite having jobs, when potential partners express a desire for someone with a job. Nobody is a golddigger for wanting a financially stable partner. Financial stability is essential. If you’re not there yet, get your financial life in order before dating.
Thinking Love is Enough Makes Abuse Acceptable
The idea that love transcends all brainwashes people into accepting abuse for “love.” People stay in abusive relationships because they’re tricked into believing they should take abuse from the person they love.
If you lurk in any relationship column, you’ll find hordes of women describing the worst partner imaginable, but she refuses to leave because “I love him.” He’s abusive, he doesn’t work, he screams at her, he controls her life, but she was taught love is enough and that she should love him for who he is, abusive warts and all.
Love isn’t enough. You also need respect, appreciation, and dignity. You need a partner who loves you in return. We need to stop romanticizing women who “stand by their man” because she “loves him” despite his obviously abusive actions.
Though I see it more often with women, it’s not a gendered problem. Men also stick with abusers and cheaters out of some messed up notion that love conquers all. We all need to set higher standards for partners, whether we love them or not.
Compatibility Matters
No amount of love can change the fact that some people are too different for a relationship to work. Maybe one wants kids, and the other doesn’t, or one is happy living a minimalist lifestyle while the other wants more.
There’s nothing wrong with either choice, but all the love in the world won’t change the fact that you want very different things out of life. Love isn’t enough to overcome massive differences in life goals.
People Deserve an Equal Partner
Some folks say love is enough while refusing to help around the house or contribute to the bills. They expect their partner to love them and stay with them despite being a lazy, self-centered slob.
It doesn’t work that way.
You must bring something to the table if you want a successful relationship. Everyone deserves a partner who loves, cherishes, and supports them. How can you expect that from a partner if you won’t give it in return?
People Should Love Me For Who I Am
We tell children to “be themselves” and that someone out there will love them for who they are.
I get the intent. Everyone should strive to be themselves, and nobody should pretend to be something they’re not for a potential partner. But we leave out a lot of nuance which leads people to failure.
The truth is that nobody will love you for who you are, for simply existing, except your parents. Even if they do, that love isn’t enough for a successful relationship.
Love isn’t Enough
Love is a beautiful thing. It’s the subject of epic poems, the cause of our greatest joys and the deepest pits of our despair.
But it’s not everything. Kindness matters. Stability and security matter. Respect matters. Compatibility matters. Happiness matter.
You’ll be better off once you figure out that love isn’t the only essential ingredient to a happy life, and that if you want real, meaningful love, you must become someone worth of it.