Dating is hard for both parties, but the gender that’s socialized from birth to prioritize others, not make a scene, and believe finding a husband is the ultimate life goal faces a unique set of challenges.
Many women, including myself, fall for obvious manipulation tactics that most outsiders can smell a mile away.
Examples Abound
All you have to do is casually surf an internet relationship forum to find examples where women fall for manipulators. Women are giving every inch of themselves and feel guilty for expecting even an ounce of respect or consideration in return.
Consider the story where the boyfriend convinced his girlfriend that she smelled bad to make her insecure, or the countless examples where he convinces her that a 50/50 split is fair when he makes 5x her salary and insists on nicer living arrangements.
I’ve fallen for it too. I believed a charming manipulator who said he loved me as he stole from me and cheated on me. I fell for his gaslighting when he claimed I must not be counting the money right, or I was abusive for not letting him blow all his money on a game when there were bills to pay.
Why Do Women Fall for Manipulators?
Knowing my experience was far from unique drove me to find answers. Why is this so common? Why do women fall for manipulators, make excuses for horrendous behavior, and accept less than the bare minimum?
To find an answer, I asked psychologists, life coaches, and mental health experts who help women identify and navigate society’s toxic notions about romance.
Here’s what they said.
We Should Ask Why People Manipulate
The best response came from Dr. Amy Saltzman, founder of Spot a Spider, a website dedicated to abuse prevention. She implored me to reframe the question.
We shouldn’t ask why women fall for manipulators – we should ask why men behave in manipulative ways. However, Dr. Saltzman stressed that this isn’t a man vs woman problem; it’s an abuser vs. victim problem that plays out in a variety of ways.
“The manipulator engages in a long, deliberate, insidious, deceptive abuse of power,” she says. “They play the long game. Manipulators prey on the victim’s best qualities— compassion, loyalty, ability for self-reflection, desire for self-improvement, trustworthiness (and the assumption that others are equally trustworthy)— and the victim’s weaknesses— perfectionism, low self-esteem. And manipulators gaslight and induce self-doubt and dependency. “
Her point is that it’s not the victim’s fault – it’s the abusers, who engage in deliberate behaviors to get what they want.
In cases where women fall for manipulators, the blame should fall squarely on the men who intentionally manipulate women, not the female victims.
Claiming that women fall for bad men and women need to choose better is a form of victim blaming. We’re transferring all accountability and responsibility to women for men’s atrocious behavior, and that needs to stop.
Society’s Misogyny
The rest of the responses showcased a common thread in why we see these types of relationships play out repeatedly: misogyny. Women accept toxic relationships and blame themselves for it because the patriarchy demands it.
Cynthia Flores, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, says being accused of having unreasonable standards leads to shame that’s rooted in patriarchy. “It teaches women that desire makes them greedy and that having expectations threatens their likability. The cost of being perceived as “undeserving of love” is often greater than the discomfort of lowering their boundaries.”
The need to be likable comes from misogyny. Boys aren’t raised to morph themselves to be likable; they’re told that they’re likable when they’re confident, brave, and bold. Only women need to change themselves.
Dr. Sera Lavelle, a clinical psychologist and cofounder of Bea Better Eating, says, “Manipulators don’t create the vulnerability—they exploit it. Our culture rewards women who don’t ask for much and punishes those who assert their needs. That’s a sociological setup for coercion.”
She’s right, and that sociological setup is rooted in misogyny. Society punishes assertive women because it demands women’s submission.
Although it’s clear that misogyny is a major factor, we wanted to dig deeper to determine how misogynistic power structures lead to women accepting substandard relationships.
Social Conditioning
Misogyny creates strict gender expectations and enforces them via social conditioning. The way we raise our little girls makes them susceptible to abuse in relationships.
As Dr. Lavelle explains, “From early childhood, women are taught that being ‘good’ means being agreeable, pleasing, and self-sacrificing. That conditioning doesn’t just shape behavior—it shapes identity. So when a partner calls her ‘too much’ or a ‘golddigger,’ it can trigger deep fears of being unlovable or rejected.”
Sam Morris, a former UK probation officer turned trauma-informed dating, relationship, and sexual coach, says, “Women have been raised to be nurturing, loyal, and sacrificing themselves for the good of their family.” She explains that women are raised to believe it’s their responsibility to keep a relationship working, so when there’s conflict, they tend to think it’s their fault.
Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) Allison Briggs, owner of Being Real PLLC, says, “From an early age, many women are socialized to prioritize others’ needs over their own, to be ‘nice,’ accommodating, and not make waves. This kind of gendered training lays the groundwork for manipulative dynamics later in life.”
The Need to Be “Chosen”
Misogyny makes women believe they’re nothing without a man, creating a deep-seated need to “be chosen.”
Sex and relationship coach Aaron Frazin, M.A., says, “From a very young age, they’ve been taught that being chosen is safer than being whole.” He explains that young girls who express their true selves and independence are often scolded and rejected. They learn that to be accepted, they must mold themselves into what their parents, teachers, and eventually partners want.
Frazin adds, “Many women are conditioned to be accommodating, to soothe others’ discomfort, to believe that their desires are dangerous, and that boundaries are unkind. So when a partner says, “You’re asking for too much,” it lands like proof. Not a red flag.”
Flores notes similar problems. “Women are taught from an early age that being chosen is the highest form of worth. This “need to be chosen” often stems from internalized misogyny and is reinforced by early attachment wounds. Many women grow up learning that love must be earned, often through self-abandonment, people-pleasing, and tolerating emotional unavailability. These are survival strategies rooted in a nervous system shaped by rejection or emotional neglect.”
Historical Factors
The expert comments speak to women’s historical oppression and the wounds that haven’t yet healed.
Throughout history, a woman’s only chance at survival was “being chosen” as a wife. Women in America have only had the right to vote for about a century. It’s only been 60 years since Congress approved the Equal Pay and Civil Rights Acts, providing women equal opportunity in the workplace. It’s only been 50 years since women gained equal access to credit.
My generation of women was the first to have true freedom of choice, but old traditions die hard. Society still tells us that our ultimate life goal is marriage, that if we can’t find a man, we’ll be miserable old cat ladies, and that our wedding is the crowning moment of our lives.
Subtle Manipulation
Many of the experts we talked to noted that all people, not just women, fall for manipulation tactics because they’re so subtle that we can’t always identify them as manipulation.
As Flores explains, “Manipulation is rarely overt. It often comes wrapped in emotional storytelling: “You’d do this if you loved me,” “That’s just how I am,” or “You’re being too controlling.” These statements twist reality, reframing the woman’s boundary as the problem.”
She adds, “This kind of manipulation follows a pattern found in the power and control wheel, a tool often used in understanding abusive dynamics. It includes tactics like gaslighting, minimizing, blame-shifting, and emotional withdrawal to maintain control. The abusers and manipulators avoid accountability while painting themselves as the misunderstood one or “victim,” while the other person is left doubting their reality.”
Dr. Saltzman agrees. From her perspective, the common thread in manipulative relationships isn’t misogyny, but the abuse of power by a desperate, empty manipulator. Fortunately, everyone, even children, can be taught to spot and stop manipulators and avoid the trauma of being in a relationship with them.
Shame
Bricolage via Shutterstock.com.
Jasmine Bishop, Licensed Professional Counselor- Supervisor, says the problem is self-perpetuating. “Victims often get the message that they did something to cause the bad thing to happen, their lack of perfection or perceptiveness contributed to their abuse, and that they cannot trust their intuition about the situation. All of this tends to get confirmed by the outside world (family, police, etc.) and contributes to the manipulation happening again and again.”
Women fall for manipulation tactics, and rather than blame the abuser, they’re told it’s their fault. They didn’t express their needs in the right way, or they chose the wrong man, or they need to try harder.
The shame they feel prevents them from seeking help and keeps them repeating the same cycle again and again.
How to Stop Falling for Manipulation Tactics
If you’re like me and have found yourself in a string of relationships with manipulators who shame you for expecting the bare minimum, don’t despair.
There’s a way out.
I found my strength and married a man who loves, cherishes, and supports me. Before meeting him, I stayed single, refusing to settle for another charming manipulator.
Here’s how you can find your way out.
Self-Reflection
Self-reflection helped me immensely. I took time with myself to figure out what I truly wanted out of a partnership and conducted shadow work to understand why I wasn’t getting it.
I had to unlearn a lot of internalized misogyny society taught me, about how “I’m not like other girls” and that I’m a “gold-digger” for expecting a partner to contribute.
Inner Repair
Frazin says the way out is via inner repair. “We need to help women rebuild the connection with their bodies, their instincts, and their anger. The way out is to choose authenticity over connection – and then learn to build new connections where they don’t have to shrink to stay safe.”
“It’s about unlearning the idea that love requires shape-shifting,” he adds.
Knowing the Signs
Understanding how manipulators operate is crucial. It helps you identify their tactics and learn to avoid people who use them.
Read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That (you can read it for free here!) to understand why and how men manipulate women to get what they want.
It’s eye-opening.
Refusing Blame
The most important thing women can do is shift the blame off themselves.
It’s not your fault.
I don’t care if every man you’ve dated has been an abusive, manipulative jerk. Those behaviors are his fault, not yours. You don’t choose poorly; men behave poorly.
We need to unlearn society’s misogynistic teachings that women are responsible for men’s awful behavior, that we need to accept crumbs to be worthy of love, and that we need to bend over backwards to appease everyone else.
It’s not your fault you believed these lies. If we work together, we can stop society from perpetuating them and lay the blame squarely where it belongs: on the abusers.