I ain’t saying he’s a labor digger, but he ain’t cleanin’ his own messes, is he?
A new term popped up describing the approach some men take to relationships: Labor Digging. It’s a play on the infamous “gold digger,” a woman who preys on rich men, hoping for an easy payday.
But this time, it’s the men doing the digging, and they aren’t out for gold; they’re looking for someone who will provide them with free household labor.
What is Labor Digging?
Labor digging is a new word for an ancient custom.
It’s the idea that a man (not all men©) pursues a relationship with a woman not because he loves her but because he wants the labor he expects her to provide.
Historically and today, women provide untold amounts of unpaid labor to keep a household afloat. Because men have benefitted from this work for centuries, many of today’s men still expect to receive it without reciprocating.
Here are the different types of labor women provide, which labor diggers look for in a relationship.
Mental
Mental labor refers to cognitive labor, which a study in the American Sociological Review says falls into four steps:
- Anticipating needs
- Identifying options for filling the needs
- Making decisions
- Monitoring progress
Examples of this work include keeping a running list of needed grocery items, meal planning, tracking and scheduling appointments, monitoring school calendars, and all the other administrative tasks of life.
The study found that women are primarily responsible for anticipating needs and monitoring progress, while genders equally split decision–making—meaning men like to participate in the portion that showcases their power and authority while leaving women with the grunt work.
Emotional
A lot of think pieces conflate mental and emotional labor, but they aren’t the same thing.
Emotional labor is handling people’s emotions, and as much as men like to pretend they’re the “logical” gender, women spend a lot of time managing their partner’s (and children’s) emotions.
Examples of emotional labor include listening to someone when they had a bad day, putting on a pleasant face to ease tensions, initiating an apology for arguments (regardless of who was at fault), mediating conflicts between family and friends, and attempting to maintain a positive atmosphere in the home.
Although emotional labor in the context of relationships isn’t well studied, women have been speaking up about the disparity online.
@inner.eros Replying to @user2267532641136 what do we mean when we refer to emotional labor? Part 1 #emotionallabor #relationship #dating #selfimprovement ♬ original sound – Michaela | Intimacy Coach
The common feminist refrain, “Women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men,” highlights the imbalance women in relationships have experienced, as do think pieces from Mother Rising and Slate.
Physical
Physical labor includes all the household chores, which primarily falls on women. According to the most recent Bureau of Labor Statistics time use survey, women spend more time on housework and caring for household members than men.
The date stands whether the women/men are working full time or unemployed. In fact, women who work full-time do more household labor than unemployed men.
Stories abound online about men who refuse to contribute to the household labor and women as a group are getting fed up with the weaponized incompetence. It’s created a new trend of walk-away wives who refuse to spend the rest of their lives cleaning up after a man.
Physical labor also includes working for a paycheck. According to the time use survey, men spend 1 hour and 8 minutes more time working for a paycheck each day than women.
Reproductive
Human biology puts the brunt of reproductive labor on women. There’s no getting around that reality.
Until the advent and accessibility of birth control in the 1970s, women had no choice but to engage in reproductive labor.
Now, they do.
However, some men expect children. They even court and marry child-free women, expecting that they’ll change their minds and bear HIS children.
Society supports his view. Women struggle to access sterilization procedures in case their “future husband” might want kids. Politicians have stripped women of their reproductive rights, and discussions abound about limiting access to contraception.
The idea is so insidious that some states even claim the government is entitled to women’s reproductive labor. Why wouldn’t men feel the same?
How To Spot a Labor Digger
The idea that household chores belong to a specific gender is so insidious that even the best men sometimes fall into the trap.
How can you tell the difference between a well-meaning man and one purposely seeking a woman to become his household servant?
They leave clues.
Here are some red flags he’s digging for labor.
An Expectation
Labor diggers expect women to work for them, and although some hide it in the early stages of a relationship, many can’t.
Dates will slowly turn into you cooking for him, regardless of whose place you end up at. Of course, you’ll clean up too. Conversations revolve around him: he talks about his day and troubles, expecting you to listen with rapt engagement.
At first glance, he seems a little self-centered but has good qualities, too, so you don’t consider it a deal breaker. He can improve.
He won’t improve. He’s not self-centered; he just expects you to do that work.
No Reciprocation
In a healthy relationship, partners do things for each other. You’ll take turns sharing your troubles and be each other’s shoulders to cry on. He’ll cook while you clean, and vice versa.
It’s a give and take, where each partner does their best to offer support and assistance when needed.
Labor diggers don’t feel the need to reciprocate. They aren’t looking for a partnership; they’re looking for someone to offload their responsibilities to.
He’s “Traditional”
There’s nothing wrong with entering into a traditional relationship based on gender roles if that’s what both parties agree to – and both parties keep their end of the bargain.
Some men call themselves traditional when they really mean they don’t intend to lift a finger around the house, but they expect their wives to bring home a paycheck.
These traditional men consider everything from childcare to domestic labor “women’s work” and refuse to contribute, yet they ignore the man’s “traditional” role to provide.
Weaponized Incompetence
Housework isn’t complicated. There aren’t any secrets to loading a dishwasher or vacuuming a floor. If a man feigns ignorance of how to do basic tasks, he’s probably doing it on purpose to get out of it.
He purposefully messes up and claims he didn’t know. He asks thousands of simple, annoying questions a toddler could understand. All of it is designed to make you give up and do it yourself.
He’s a labor digger and not above manipulating you to get what he wants.
You’re an Afterthought
Labor diggers don’t respect their partners. She’s there to provide for him, not the other way around.
He’ll ignore you, plan nights out with the guys, forget special occasions, and act like you’re the problem for feeling neglected. He doesn’t care about you as long as he’s getting what he wants from you.
He’ll dismiss your needs as long as possible, and when that stops working, gaslight you into thinking you’re the one being unreasonable.
What Do You Love About Her?
What do you love about your partner? What does he love about you?
I’ve loved partners for their creativity, loyalty, intellect, kindness, free spirit, and more. But when I ask what they love about me, their answers always fall flat.
“I love that you take care of me,” they’ll say. “I love that you always support me. I love that you take good care of the kids.”
Everything they love about you is about them and how they benefit from you.
If that’s true, do they really love you, or do they love what you do for them?
Labor Diggers vs. Hobosexuals
A hobosexual is the worst kind of labor digger. Most labor-digging men at least work and provide income to the household.
Not a hobosexual. They want it all.
Hobosexuals float from relationship to relationship, looking for a woman who will handle everything for them. They’ll slither in with their love bombs and grand promises, and before you know it, they’re living with you after quitting their job.
But they won’t use their newfound free time to contribute around the house. If you expect it, they’ll lean into weaponized incompetence until you give up.
Gold Diggers vs. Labor Diggers
Gold diggers have a long and sordid reputation. These women seek out high-income men and then use them for their money. They’ll marry him, then file for divorce, stealing half his hard-earned assets for himself.
The way men tell, gold diggers are the worst of the worst.
But are they?
Which is worse, a labor digger or a gold digger?
I’m going to say labor digging.
Here’s why.
Society Forced Gold Digging
Until the 1970s, women could not have credit cards. They couldn’t have bank accounts without their owners husband’s permission.
That was fifty years ago. Our mothers couldn’t open bank accounts. Our grandmothers couldn’t work.
Up until 50 years ago, women NEEDED men for financial security. Society didn’t allow them to strike out on their own.
Of course women would attempt to secure a man with high earning power when they can’t earn anything themselves. And, of course some women would use it and the legal system to elevate themselves if given the opportunity.
Society’s restrictions made gold digging the only path to independence for many women.
Most Women Work Too
Things are different now. Women can and do work.
Women have been bridging the labor gap for the last few decades. Nearly 60% of all women currently participate in the labor force.
Most women aren’t digging for a man’s gold; they’re making their own.
No Gold To Dig Though
The men who scream loudest about gold diggers rarely have anything of value.
For some reason, they think women only want them for their money when they make $40,000 per year and date women who earn more.
If a woman expects any type of consideration, like a gift for special occasions or to be treated to a night out, she’s labeled a gold digger, despite paying for the majority of their life.
It’s Just as Costly
Labor digging costs the affected party just as much as gold-digging, but because the costs are indirect, they’re harder to see.
When women are responsible for the bulk of the domestic duties, their careers suffer. They must take lower-paying, flexible jobs to attend to childcare, skip shifts, or leave the workforce altogether. All these options harm women financially. They earn less and invest less. They have lower lifetime earnings for programs like Social Security. In addition, their careers suffer, making it harder for them to reenter the workforce or move up in their fields.
Valid Divorce Isn’t Gold Digging
Many men claim their ex-wife was a gold digger, but if you dig deeper, you realize they were labor diggers, and their wives had enough. She’s the walk-away wife who told him a million times that he needed to improve.
He’ll decry the fact that he must pay alimony while ignoring that she handled everything around the house, often to the detriment of her own career and earning power. He scoffs at paying child support while she does all the work of raising the kids.
She divorced him because he was using her for labor, not because she was after his money. Now that the relationship is over, he owes her for all her years of work and sacrifice that he never appreciated.
Both Wrong
Yes, true gold diggers are bad. It’s wrong to use someone for their money.
But it’s also wrong to use someone for their labor, and labor digging is far more ubiquitous and much tougher to spot.
A relationship should be about loving and supporting each other, not what you can get from each other.
Both partners need to contribute to the relationship in an equitable way. If you truly loved someone for who they were, you would step up and do your fair share.