There’s a pervasive, toxic myth floating around society.
In matters of romance, we tell our children to “find someone who will love you for who you are,” but the harsh truth is that person doesn’t exist.
No one will love you for who you are, except maybe your parents.
Why We Tell People Someone Will Love Them for Who They Are
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I get the intent. Telling folks to find someone to love them for who they are makes sense from a certain perspective.
Everyone should strive to be themselves, and nobody should pretend to be something they’re not for a potential partner.
However, the simple platitude leaves out a lot of crucial nuance, leading folks to failure.
Why Nobody Will Love You for Who You Are
The truth is that nobody will love you for who you are, for simply existing, except your parents.
There are always other factors at play, especially in romantic relationships. Love isn’t enough, and it never was.
Here’s why the platitude makes little sense, and what to do instead.
Who Are You?
Who are you?
What, exactly, should people love about you?
We love to say someone will love you for who you are, but we never take a minute to explore what that means.
You must learn who you are and love yourself for it before you can expect others to love you for it.
You Are What You Do
The famous philosopher Lau Tzu said it best:
“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
You are what you do. When people love you for who you are, it’s because of what you do.
Your actions are crucial to building a successful relationship.
Some Traits Aren’t Loveable
The “love me for who I am” trope works for humble, honest, and dependable people. But you can’t expect someone to love you for who you are when what you are is a mean, bitter old soul.
If you want someone to love you for who you are, “who you are” needs to be lovable.
It Hinders Improvement
You shouldn’t change for anyone except yourself.
However, if you’re not lovable in your current state, maybe you should explore making some changes rather than digging in deep and saying people should “love you for who you are.”
Sorry, but no one will love someone who lacks basic hygiene and spends their time fighting people online from the safety of their mom’s basement. Stop blaming people for not loving you, and fix yourself to become a desirable partner.
People Deserve an Equal Partner
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Some folks say their partner should love them for who they are while refusing to help around the house or contribute to the bills. Who they are is a lazy, self-centered, slob, but their partner should love them for it.
It doesn’t work that way.
You must bring something to the table if you want a successful relationship. Everyone deserves a partner who loves, cherishes, and supports them. How can you expect that from a partner if you won’t give it in return?
How the Platitude Harms People
The above examples prove that telling people to find someone who loves them for simply being is selling them a fantasy that doesn’t exist.
They think they can be rude, spiteful, lazy users, and a loving partner will still fall out of the sky and dote on them for the rest of their lives. When that doesn’t happen, they dig deeper, blaming everyone but themselves for the “selfish, shallow” people who refuse to give them love.
It harms the individual, and it also harms society. Millions of young people can’t find a partner, and although there’s no data, I suspect some of it is because they feel entitled to someone who will love them as-is, with no prospects, respect, support, or desire to improve themselves.
Be Yourself vs They Will Love You For Who You Are
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Part of the disconnect is in the perspective. When people say “someone will love you for who you are,” they mean to be your authentic self.
That means don’t pretend to be a social butterfly when you love staying in and reading. Don’t give up your love of gaming to play in a sport you hate. Be true to yourself to attract a partner who loves your quirks.
However, there’s a huge difference between attracting a partner to your authentic self and having a partner love you for simply existing.
Being yourself means doing the things that bring you joy, engaging in hobbies you love, and not pretending to be something you’re not. Expecting someone to love you for who you are means you never have to change or improve. There’s a huge difference.
It’s About Values
When we say someone should love you for who you are and you shouldn’t change for someone, we’re really talking about values.
You shouldn’t compromise your values for a romantic partner, and you should find someone who loves you in part for your values.
For example, if you’re religious and want your family to be religious, don’t date an atheist. Don’t expect an atheist to love you for your piety.
Vegans shouldn’t date butchers. People who want kids shouldn’t date people who don’t.
Finding someone who loves you for your values is crucial to happiness, and a big part of the nuance of loving someone for who they are.
Be Yourself, but Be Open to Change
To win in love, you should be yourself. However, you must also learn to recognize when “yourself” is unattractive to everyone around you.
Allow yourself the gift of self-improvement. You’ll be happier with or without a partner.
Compromise
A lot of the discourse around “loving me for who I am” revolves around a refusal to compromise.
People think they can be selfish slobs, spendthrift money hoarders, or constant dreamers who refuse to work, and their partner should keep loving them because “that’s who they are.”
Life doesn’t work that way. Relationships take compromise. You may have to try harder to keep your space clean, learn to let go of a few dollars, or pick up a side job to help pay the bills.
That’s not “changing who you are,” that’s being an adult.
No One Will Love You for Who You Are, but that’s Okay
The harsh truth about life is that no one will love you for who you are. But the bright side is that it’s okay. No one should.
When you finally have that epiphany that no one SHOULD love you for simply existing, you can work on being a person someone will love, through your values and your actions.
Becoming that person is worth everything. Not for the love you may find, but for being a human you can be proud of. That’s what life is all about.