Women often enter relationships with rose-colored glasses. She sees him for who he is, flaws and all, but she’s positive that all he needs is love and support to be a better man.
We all need to stop. You can’t fix him.
What Happens When You Try To Fix Him
Society bludgeons us with the idea that women should help broken men. “Behind every good man is a great woman,” they say, implying that it takes a woman’s guidance to make a man.
Women are told to stick with a bad relationship. She can fix him!
But it’s usually all a lie. Here, women share what happened when they entered a relationship thinking they could fix him.
It Worked, He Left
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One woman shared she was able to fix him, and as soon as he felt better about himself, he ditched her.
The phenomenon is so common that it spawned the term “starter wife.” She’s the wife who stands by him through all his struggles, works while he finishes med school, then finds herself divorced as he chases someone else.
Or Cheated
Some of the broken men wanted to have their cake and eat it, too. Once they were in better positions, they cheated on the woman who helped them get there.
He thinks he deserves to sow his wild oats now that he’s in a better position, completely ignoring that he’s harming the person who helped him achieve it.
Ended Up Broken
When we make someone else’s problems our own problems, we risk breaking ourselves too. Many women who tried to fix a man ended up worse off themselves.
When I tried to fix him, I ended up depressed, lonely, and out thousands of dollars. It took me years to rediscover myself after being so beaten down for so long. I learned that you can’t fix him the hard way.
Fixed Myself
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Some people need to experience heartache to get on the right track themselves. Trying to fix someone could help you discover your flaws and lead you to a successful life.
Taking on a project man led me into a spiral, but I eventually came out the other side stronger. I can now see manipulation tactics for what they are, and I no longer tolerate abusive behavior from anyone.
He Got Worse
Despite some women’s best efforts, their “project men” spiraled. Their behavior got worse and worse and even turned abusive in some cases.
I tried to fix an alcoholic. His alcoholism got worse and worse. He got drunk every night, couldn’t hold a job, and treated me like trash. The fun, innovative, ambitious man I thought I knew disappeared in front of my eyes.
I thought I could fix him, that I could help him rediscover that man. I was wrong. He spiraled, I spiraled, and it took me years to fix myself after the relationship ended.
I don’t know what came of him.
Learn About Yourself
Failure is often life’s greatest teacher. She may not have fixed him, but she learned her boundaries and what she’s capable of.
Many women learn that they’re capable of standing on their own, that they don’t need a man, and they definitely don’t need to fix a man.
Single Parenthood
When you genuinely believe your love can fix someone, you might make a bad decision about parenthood. Many women found themselves single parents when the man they thought they could fix ditched them when he found out she was pregnant.
It’s a horrible situation for her and for the resulting children, who now have a deadbeat dad.
Closed Off
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Many women who attempted to help a man be the best version of himself decided men weren’t worth their effort and refused to give their hearts to anyone else.
They learned that you can’t fix him, and will never try again.
Unable To Answer
Far too many women can’t answer the question “what happened” because they didn’t survive to tell the tale.
Globally, a woman is killed by her intimate partner or family member every 10 minutes. In the United States, about 4 women are killed by intimate partners every day.
Sometimes Fixing Him Works Out
Some lucky women ended up marrying their project. He took her advice to heart and became a better man, and they’re celebrating years of bliss.
Usually, You Can’t Fix Him
I’m not sure it’s worth the 1/10 chance to try and fix him when the odds are he’ll get worse or turn dangerous.
Women aren’t rehabilitation centers for broken men. We shouldn’t have to fix him. He should enter the relationship fully capable of emotional intelligence and adulting.
Why Can’t You Fix Him?
You can’t fix him for thousands of reasons, most of which you can’t control. Sometimes he doesn’t want to be fixed. Sometimes he doesn’t know he needs fixing. Sometimes the problems are so severe that he needs professional help you can’t offer.
Sometimes it’s not about the inability to fix him, but his gratitude once he’s better. Why pour your heart and soul into helping someone be the best version of themselves when they believe that better version of themselves is entitled to a “better” woman?
It’s not worth the effort.
Why Do You Want to Fix Him?
The conversations led me to a striking question. Why do we even want to fix him in the first place?
Why do so many women (myself included) enter relationships with broken men, hoping we can fix them?
In my case, I knew him before he was broken. He had been through some horrible things by the time we reconnected, and I thought he could overcome them.
He couldn’t.
But I think part of it is society’s message that love conquers all. If you love someone enough, nothing else matters.
That’s patently false, and we need to stop feeding women the lie that love is everything.
Love isn’t enough, and women would enter healthier relationships if they understood that harsh truth.