Weaponized incompetence destroys relationships. Women grow to resent men who can’t figure out basic adulting tasks like laundry and washing dishes.
But the men who engage in this type of manipulation don’t seem to care. They refuse to see household chores, instead relying on their partners to manage the domestic load and tell them exactly what to do. When these men finally attempt a chore, they do it poorly, insisting they’re “just bad at it.”
They’re not bad at it, they’re fully capable. But they’re relying on the women in their lives to manage the work at home, and often don’t even see why it’s a problem.
Weaponized Incompetence Starts Early
Though women online love blaming men for weaponized incompetence, the problem goes far deeper. It’s a societal issue relating to how we socialize little boys vs. little girls.
Kids learn their roles early in life, either from parents, teachers, friends, or society. They internalize these roles, and it’s harder to break the older they get and the more the role turns into a part of their identity.
Far too many mothers coddle their baby boys. They don’t make them help around the house like their sisters. The moms are shocked when their little boys turn into useless teenagers lacking awareness, while the teenage boys are frustrated when they’re finally expected to step up, but never learned how.
Teenage Boy Asks to Help
A story on a popular internet forum highlights the disconnect. A teenage boy came to Reddit to find out if he was wrong for asking his mother how he could help.
The Original Poster (OP) is a 17-year-old boy who wants to at least help. At first glance, it seems innocuous, even helpful. He wants to help around the house – awesome!
But his story showcases his learned incompetence and can help us all reflect on how we socialize boys versus girls.
The Family is Hosting a Party
The OP shared that his family was hosting a party. His mother was in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning, and his sisters were helping.
He wanted to pitch in, so he asked his mom what he could do.
The exasperated mom didn’t have time to hold his hand.
“She kinda signed and told me I have eyes,” he reported. He then shared that he walked aimlessly around for a few minutes, completely oblivious to anything he could do to help, and finally approached his mom again.
“I walked around the house and then came back. I asked again what I can do to help,” he said.
The mom flipped out, going off on OP about his utter lack of awareness.
Mom’s Point
The mom said at 17, he shouldn’t need to be told what needs to be done, pointing out that his sisters were helping without guidance.
She yelled at him, saying the trash needed to go out and the floors needed to be cleaned, but she shouldn’t have to tell him these things.
He’s old enough to see for himself.
OP Lashes Out
At 17, we can forgive someone for not knowing if he takes the admonishment gracefully and learns from the situation.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like OP did that.
Instead, he got angry, lashing out at his mother with hints of misogyny.
“I came back with, I am just asking, and I don’t like her tone. It got in an argument, and I left,” he shared.
Was OP Wrong?
OP talked to his sisters, who said he was out of line and needed to apologize. He can’t see it, though, so he came to Reddit for an unbiased opinion of whether he was wrong.
Yes, OP’s Wrong, But He Can Learn
Reddit treated OP with grace. As a teenager, he still has the opportunity to learn and do better.
“You’re young, and you probably haven’t had good male role models who take more of the mental load onto themselves. Your heart was in the right place,” replied one user, offering OP great advice for the future. “When asking ‘what can I do to help,” first take a look around and think to yourself, ‘If I was wanting this place cleaned up for guests, what would need to get done for me to feel good about the house?”
That’s good advice for the future, and we hope OP takes it to heart. But it doesn’t dive into why OP seems so clueless when his sisters knew exactly what to do.
Socialization of Boys vs. Girls
Another user pointed out that it’s not entirely OP’s fault. His attitude may have spawned from how he was raised and socialized versus his sisters.
“I would like to point out that if mom trained the sisters, she made the choice not to train her son, and she then has no right to get upset because he doesn’t understand what she wants the way the daughters she’s taught from infancy do,” said one user.
Others said there’s no evidence the parents treated the kids differently, but society clearly does, and girls are taught from an early age to help out, while boys are given the freedom to discover themselves.
We don’t have enough information here to know whether the mom was at fault, at least partially. However, we know culture plays a role. We hope the OP sees these comments and takes them to heart to become a better person, regardless of how he was raised.
Everyone is Wrong Here
Reddit had a lively debate about the parents’ role in teaching OP how to help around the house. Some said he should know, while others said his mom should have taught him from an early age and should be glad to have any help offered.
Reddit also debated the ensuing argument. Some said the mother should never lash out the way she did, while others felt she was justified. OP’s response tone policing his mom was seen as harsh by some, but demanding respect from others.
Despite the lively conversation, we can’t ignore the hints of misogyny in OP’s response to his mother. Would he dare tell his father (or male role model) he “didn’t like their tone?”
Probably not.
So, where does OP’s misogyny come from? We hope he does some soul searching to figure it out.
Growing Up is Hard
Ultimately, growing up into a functioning adult is challenging for both the child and the parents. Could OP have figured out how to help on his own? Most likely, and it’s a skill he definitely needs to learn.
Should they both learn to communicate more respectfully? Absolutely, but we can offer them both grace because stress can cause people to do and say things they don’t mean.