Does your boyfriend see you as an extension of themselves, or as a whole person with unique wants and desires?
Does he even care about you at all?
You’ll find out at gift-giving time, when women around the world with bad gift-giver boyfriends learn how he really feels.
Why Focus on Bad Gift-Giver Boyfriends?
I get it – women can be bad gift-givers too.
Being terrible at gift-giving, or being a bad partner in general, transcends gender.
But let’s face it: the bad gift-giver boyfriend (and husband) is so common that it’s become a trope.
Pop Fiction Examples
Don’t believe me?
Here are my favorite examples of it in the media. I dare you to find a similar trope featuring women as the horrible gift givers.
SNL Christmas Robe
Saturday Night Live offers fantastic commentary on social issues. They made fun of the bad gift-giver husband with a Christmas Robe.
The skit showcases all the effort Mom puts into giving everyone a magical Christmas, juxtaposed with how little she gets back.
The Homer Bowling Ball
The Simpsons highlighted this phenomenon in the 1990 episode “Life on the Fast Lane” when Homer got Marge a bowling ball for Christmas.
Homer loves bowling, but Marge had never stepped into a bowling alley. He got the gift for himself, not for her.
He Forgot
The trope of a man forgetting a special occasion, whether it be an anniversary, birthday, or Valentine’s Day, is so common we can’t possibly list all the examples.
Cartoons like American Dad and Family Guy make fun of it, exposing the trope of horrible husbands in all sorts of ways.
The husbands in sitcoms like Roseanne, The Office, and Home Improvement also forget gifts, but these shows stress that he’s not a Bad Guy for forgetting.
Is He a Bad Gift Giver, or a Bad Boyfriend?
The interesting thing about a lot of the pop culture tropes is the insistence that the boyfriend/husband/partner is a Good Guy despite the lack of effort he puts into gifts.
At the end of every episode, he’s forgiven, and life goes on. It’s justifiable in some cases, but not so much in others.
For example, Roseanne regularly portrays Dan as a loving husband and great father. We can forgive him for forgetting once – he’s only human. But The Simpsons portrays Homer as a horrible husband and father. Marge always forgives him despite the fact that his awful behavior never changes.
So that leads us to the crucial question: is he a bad gift giver, or a bad boyfriend? How can you tell the difference?
A Bad Gift Giver
A bad gift giver may not buy the perfect gift, but he puts thought into it. Sometimes he puts so much thought into it that he freezes and doesn’t know what to do.
But he shows he cares in thousands of other ways.
He’ll do things for you, listen to you, help you when you need it, be present in the relationship, and be an equal partner.
When you give you a bad gift, he’ll listen to your feedback and make an effort to do better next time.
A Bad Boyfriend
A bad boyfriend won’t do any of those things. He’s not just a “bad gift giver”; he’s giving you bad gifts (or no gifts) because he doesn’t care enough to put thought into them.
He doesn’t care about you as a person, what you’d like, what you think, or how you feel. He only cares about himself.
Signs He’s a Bad Boyfriend
Here are the top signs you don’t have a bad gift giver (regardless of how many times he uses weaponized incompetence to pretend he’s “just bad at it): you have a terrible boyfriend who doesn’t care enough to give you a good gift.
He Never Remembers
We can give everyone grace for forgetting a special occasion now and again. Our busy lives burst with stressors, and sometimes even important things slip our minds.
But there’s a massive difference between forgetting once in a while and forgetting every time.
I’d also argue there’s a difference between forgetting something special for you and forgetting a major holiday with reminders everywhere. If he regularly “forgets” to get you a Christmas present, he does not care about you.
You can’t forget that Christmas is coming up.
It’s Something He Loves (and You Don’t)
Some men see their partners as extensions of themselves. They expect her to forget all about her interests and hobbies and cater to his. She should drop her friends to hang out with his group.
He doesn’t see her as a full human being.
And nowhere is this more apparent than in the gifts he gives.
My favorite example comes from an old Reddit post. A woman shared that her boyfriend built up this super special birthday experience for weeks, and she was so excited.
But when the day arrived, her heart dropped. He had arranged for them to get a 3D-printed action figure of them together.
It would be a fantastic gift if OP liked action figures. She doesn’t. But guess who has a massive action figure collection?
The boyfriend, of course. He couldn’t fathom that she wouldn’t like something he likes. But she didn’t want it.
If a guy constantly gives you things he would like without even considering whether you would like it, he’s probably a bad boyfriend.
He thinks you only exist to enhance his life.
The Gift is Really for Him
The Simpsons’ “Life in the Fast Lane” is the absolute best example of a gift that’s really for him. Homer bought the ball knowing that Marge wouldn’t use it.
In fact, he planned to take it bowling himself.
If he’s constantly giving you gifts that you’ll never use (but it just so happens it’s something he loves), he’s probably doing it on purpose to get the benefit of “giving you a gift” while getting something that he wants.
He Doesn’t Care, So You Shouldn’t Care
Different people care about different things. Shocking, I know.
But when you’re in a relationship, you should at least try to care about things that matter to your partner. Far too many men unilaterally decide that gift-giving doesn’t matter, so you shouldn’t care about it.
And when you get upset that he doesn’t get you a gift (or puts no thought into a gift), he’ll turn it around on you.
You’re the unreasonable one for getting upset at something he deems unimportant.
You’re Ungrateful
Some men take it even further- they’ll call you ungrateful for receiving an awful gift.
And the worst part is we believe them. People are socialized to accept any gift with grace and thanks. “It’s the thought that counts,” they say, so we feel guilty about being upset after receiving a selfish or subpar gift.
Selfish men use that socialization to make you feel bad the second you question his thoughtless gift-giving. How dare you not show gratitude?
The deflection is a manipulation tactic designed so he can continue this horrible, selfish behavior without being called out.
There’s 0 Thought
Even the worst gift-givers at least try to put effort into their gifts. They may fail spectacularly, but you can follow their thought process.
Someone who doesn’t care won’t show any effort.
When someone who supposedly knows and loves you gives you a gift they’d grab for the office White Elephant, or a random gadget found near the checkout aisle, you know they didn’t put any effort into it.
No Money for Gifts
We get that times are hard, and many families do have to cut gifts from their budgets.
But some dudes will claim they can’t afford to get you a gift while splurging on random junk for themselves.
I once had a boyfriend who claimed he couldn’t afford to buy me a birthday gift. He could, however, afford to pre-order a $70 video game that happened to come out on my birthday.
His ability to plan ahead and budget for something he wanted while pretending he was too poor to get me a gift highlighted his selfishness.
And I’m not the only one this has happened to. A woman came to Reddit to vent when her partner claimed he couldn’t afford a gift, but she found a receipt showing he spent $80 on random junk for himself.
Situations like these show that your boyfriend doesn’t prioritize you. He spends all his money on himself and doesn’t even stop to think about you. You’re an afterthought at best.
He Expects the World
The worst bad gift-giver boyfriend is the one who does any of the above while also insisting you move mountains to make his occasions special.
He’ll gladly accept the expensive watches, concert tickets, and epic birthday plans you make for him while dismissing anything you care about.
And if you dare stop showering him with presents? He will absolutely flip out.
The Problems Transcend Gift-Giving
We’re all human, and we’ve all probably given a bad gift on occasion. The biggest red flag that he’s a bad boyfriend and not simply a bad gift giver is if the problems transcend gift-giving.
A lot of the examples boil down to selfishness or a lack of care.
Are these common themes in your relationship? Does he show he cares in other ways, or is he generally a selfish person?
The bad gift might be a sign of a far worse problem. If it is, you probably have a bad boyfriend.
Relationships Are Two-Way Streets
Bad gift-giving boyfriends fail to realize that relationships are two-way streets. It’s about giving and taking, not just taking. It’s also about compromising and showing the other person you care by taking an interest in what they care about.
You don’t have to love gift-giving, but if your partner loves gifts, it shouldn’t hurt you to get them something thoughtful. You should also watch the show they like sometimes, go to their favorite restaurant, and talk with them about their hobby.
Sharing each other’s joys and interests is what makes relationships worthwhile.
Don’t Waste Your Time With a Selfish Partner
Did this article hit a little too close to home? You might be realizing that you don’t have a bad gift-giver- you actually have a bad boyfriend.
If someone can’t see past their own desires to give you something you’d like, it’s time to rethink the relationship. You shouldn’t stay with someone who refuses to put even a modicum of thought into something that makes you happy.
These “bad gift-giver boyfriends” don’t deserve your time and attention.