Amidst the flurry of snuggly tingles and fluffy butterflies, dating lets us get to know someone to see if they’d make a good partner.
It also helps us to scope out the dating red flags screaming “Danger! Abort Mission!”
Discovering someone is so out of left field that you want to run for the hills before dessert makes it easier, but even seemingly decent people wave their red flags in the dating phase.
Dating Red Flags
Although some folks wave their massive red flags from the moment a date starts, most people are on their best behavior while dating, but they can’t hide forever.
Be on the lookout for these dating red flags in the early stages so you don’t get too invested.
How They Treat Others
A lot of people aim to impress their date, so they’ll pull out all the stops. They’ll open your car door, offer compliments, and act like the sweetest, most charming person in the room.
Sometimes it’s easier to tell what kind of person they are by how they treat everyone else. If they’re rude to the people serving you dinner or making you food, you know they aren’t a good person, regardless of how they’re treating you right now.
Eventually, you will be on the receiving end of their poor behavior.
Policing What You Wear
The anticipation of a first date sparks the age-old tradition of deciding what to wear.
We want to dress to impress, trying on all sorts of outfits to see what fits.
But sometimes your date waves his red flag before the date even starts.
If he tries to tell you how to dress or demands you wear a certain style of clothing, it’s not even worth going on the date.
Victim Blaming
Ladies, when you’re on a first date with a man, get him talking. You may hear fascinating tidbits that reveal a lot about his character.
Some will casually drop that they believe sexual assault is always a woman’s fault or blame victims of crime for not fighting back or “correctly” protecting themselves.
You Owe Me
Some men still believe the insidious notion that if they pay for a woman’s date, the woman owes them sex.
Acting entitled to sex is a massive dating red flag. If he’s this entitled upon first meeting you, how will he act when he has you trapped?
Also – you don’t owe anyone sex – ever. Leave and block his number.
“Jokes”
Jokes about sexual assault aren’t funny, especially when the joke implies your date will assault you.
Some men joke about date rape while literally on a date!
Others may not be as extreme but be on the lookout for “har har women bad” jokes that disguise their misogyny.
But men aren’t the only ones who can make awful “not really jokes” while dating. Everyone should watch for casual racism and bigotry disguised as humor during the dating phase.
Future Planning
Imagining the future is a great way to spend a 12th or 20th date. It’s super creepy on a first date.
Although you absolutely should discuss what you want out of a relationship (whether you’re looking for marriage and kids, etc.), the early stage of dating is not the time to dive into specifics.
Ask if they desire marriage and kids; don’t plan your wedding and name your future children.
True Crime
UfaBizPhoto via Shutterstock.com.
A person who admits their criminal history waves a massive red flag. But unless they say it outright, it’s nearly impossible to tell during a casual date.
The harsh truth about life is that some people are extremely dangerous. To stay safe on a first date, meet somewhere public. Have an escape plan.
That way, you can get away if they decide to share that they committed a horrific crime (or if you suspect they’re capable of one).
Words vs. Actions
I’m naive. I believe what people tell me, and I get confused when their actions don’t align.
It took me way too long to realize that smooth talking is a manipulation tactic people use to get what they want, and they had no actual intention of ever following through.
Don’t be like me. Watch to make sure they do what they say they will do.
Quick Temper
A quick temper is one of the biggest dating red flags men display.
Watch how he handles sudden changes to plans. Does he get frustrated? Does he take his frustration out on people around him?
What’s he like when he’s angry?
Sorry guys – this one is more for the ladies because you often don’t realize how terrifying you are when you fly into a fit of rage. Men who are quick to anger are men we want to avoid.
Can’t Handle Disagreement
Wouldn’t it be great if you could find a partner who agreed with you on everything? Sounds like the definition of marital bliss.
But that’s a fairy tale.
In real life, two different people will have arguments and disagreements. It’s how they handle it that matters.
If they get angry, demand their way, refuse to admit any fault, turn the accusations on you, or guilt trip you about speaking out, they can’t handle disagreement or an adult relationship.
No Money
There aren’t any rules about who should pay for a date, but nobody should go in expecting the date to pay.
If someone doesn’t even bring their wallet on a date, they’re waving a massive red flag that they will always expect you to pay their way in life.
Of course, there’s a lot of online discourse about who should pay and why, and we aren’t here to take sides in that debate. But regardless of gender, not bringing the means to pay your own way is a dating red flag.
They’re Using You
People who like each other do things to show it. In early dating, that may be calling, texting, paying for dates, buying little gifts, doing something nice, or generally making yourself available.
Unfortunately, a lot of people aren’t looking for a relationship; they’re looking for something else – a wallet, free domestic labor, validation, etc.
And they’ll use you to get it.
Not Making an Effort
Not making any effort is a dating red flag of a user, but also of someone who doesn’t care enough.
Are you always planning and paying? Does it feel like they won’t commit until the last minute? Do they text or call?
But it’s not just effort in dating. It’s effort in everything. Did they dress to impress, or did they throw on an old pair of gym shorts? Did they clean up when they knew you were coming over?
Folks who don’t put any effort into dating may actually want a relationship – but they don’t want a partnership. They’re hobosexuals looking for someone who will take care of them.
Boundary Pushing
Someone who will press your boundaries when getting to know you will blow past them once they have you on the hook.
If they refuse to take no for an answer or think “no” is the opening line in a negotiation, they have no respect for you and will continue to push your boundaries until you have none left.
Any “-ism”
When given a chance, people will show you who they are. A lot of people feel comfortable sharing their racism in the early stages of dating. Sometimes it’s extremely overt, like wearing a Confederate flag t-shirt.
Unfortunately, sometimes you have to dig a little deeper for them to show their cards. But if you talk about social issues or politics, you’ll quickly see where they stand.
All The Kids
Adults in the dating game know that many potential partners will have kids. But people who have multiple kids with multiple partners are serious dating red flags.
Look, I’m not here to judge you for having children. But I am not going to date someone who has six kids with six different partners.
As a woman, I’m especially not going to date a man who fathers a bunch of kids he doesn’t take care of.
Addiction
After a horrible relationship with an alcoholic, I’m always on the lookout for what I think is one of the biggest dating red flags there is: addiction problems.
Addicts get good at hiding it. Sometimes it’s tough to spot, especially if you only see them a few times per week.
But eventually, they’ll slip up. And they’ll say anything to explain it away. They’re a “responsible user” who can handle hard drugs. They have a drinking problem, but it’s okay because they admit it.
To spot this red flag, make some dates that don’t involve alcohol. See how they behave when they have to spend the evening someplace that doesn’t have drinks.
Poor Financial Decisions
Some folks should wear a t-shirt warning people they’re bad with money. Others don’t have to because they’ll tell anyone who will listen how great crypto is and that even though they lost all their money, you should invest because it’s sure to go back up.
Crypto investing isn’t the only financial red flag to watch for while dating. Pay attention to their shopping habits. Are they constantly splurging on impulse buys?
Do they ask you to borrow money? Do they expect you to pay for everything?
You can tell a lot about a person by how they spend their money – make sure it isn’t a red flag.
Creepy Behavior
Women who want to enjoy a casual date often get blindsided by disgusting comments and actions.
One woman shared that her date casually said she’d look great wearing his collar, while another said her date stripped and demanded intimacy after she agreed to come to his place.
They Act Like Everything’s Miserable
No one likes a downer, especially when you’re doing something that’s supposed to be fun, like going on a date.
People who use their date as a sounding board for all the miserable things in their life likely won’t receive a callback. If you can’t even enjoy a date, we can assume that you can’t enjoy anything.
And it’s a massive red flag that you won’t be able to handle any adversity.
Relationship Hopping
You’re supposed to learn about the other person while dating, but if you discover they’ve never actually been alone, you may want to run.
People who jump from relationship to relationship can’t function independently and usually haven’t worked out why the previous relationships failed.
They’re just looking for something to fill the void; a smart person will stay away.
Casual Showoffs
Some people think the only thing they have to offer is their money. They’ll drop little hints about their wealth or income to show off.
This dating red flag warns you that they value money above all else. If you’re not into materialism and think some things matter more than money, you’re better off going a different way.
Overly Flirtatious
A little flirty fun is welcome on a date, but getting too hot and heavy with the innuendos can be a major turn-off.
Some guys have a way of turning even an innocuous comment into something dirty, like “Grandma’s chicken salad” (Friends reference for the 90s kids!). If she’s not on the same page, she’s going to cringe.
Make sure your date is comfortable before turning the conversation too intimate.
The Exes Are Crazy
One crazy ex? Most of us have that. All the exes are crazy? That should raise an eyebrow.
People who complain that all their exes are crazy are usually the crazy ones. And they lack the self-awareness to realize that they are the problem.
Most of us learned this lesson the hard way after giving someone with a string of crazy exes the benefit of the doubt.
“Alpha”
Guys, calling yourself an “Alpha Male” is the biggest dating red flag in the history of red flags. A man who has to tell everyone he’s an Alpha is a man who repels women.
First, if you have to call yourself “Alpha,” you clearly aren’t. Second, if you believe in the whole “Alpha” thing, you’re probably a misogynist.
Controlling
Imagine your life if you married someone who needs to control everything, from the restaurant to what you’re allowed to eat to what movie you see to what snacks you get.
If they act like this on a first date, you know it will only get worse over time.
Run.
All About Me
Most people don’t enjoy being steamrolled, talked over, and having their profession explained to them. A date should be a back-and-forth of getting to know one another.
If they’re talking over you, mansplaining stuff to you, interrupting, or won’t let you get a word in edgewise, you probably shouldn’t continue seeing them. It’s a dating red flag that tells you how your life together would look.
He’s Wokefishing You
There’s a new trend in dating: wokefishing.
It happens when men hide their political views because they know women wouldn’t want to date them if they were honest.
Fortunately for women, it’s usually pretty easy to ferret out their true beliefs. Asking a few questions about the current state of politics will usually reveal his real leanings.
Women Hating
Why do men insist on dating women when they so clearly hate women?
Far too many women shared stories of dates who couldn’t control their vitriol against women in the presence of the very woman they were trying to woo.
If he’s already showing his disdain for women in early dating, imagine how awful he will be to you when he’s your partner.
Trust Your Gut
You won’t find the biggest dating red flag on a list; you’ll find it in yourself.
Our subconscious knows things well before our conscious minds become aware of them. If you have a weird inkling that something isn’t right, or just can’t seem to be comfortable around your date, heed that warning.
Your instincts are usually correct. Trust your gut, even if it’s something that seems stupid or ridiculous.
Dating is Hard
Finding a life partner who you love and want to be around is actually much harder than romantic movies make it appear.
But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. The sooner you learn to recognize these dating red flags, the sooner you can nope out of a situation that won’t work for you and the closer you will be to lasting romance.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with opting out and enjoying being single if it’s all too much for you.
It’s your life; live it your way.