The Rise in Female Breadwinners Led to a More Insidious Rise: The Hobosexual
Women are stepping up. They’ve opted out of a life of domestic servitude and moved en masse into the workforce, where they can pay their own bills without relying on anyone else for financial security.
Unfortunately, women’s newfound fortune sometimes attracts the worst type of mate: the hobosexual.
What’s a Hobosexual?
A hobosexual is the new slang term for men who refuse to contribute anything to a relationship. They seek out high-earning partners to coast through life, riding on their partner’s coattails rather than caring for themselves.
Hobosexuals float from relationship to relationship, dating women they see as easy targets. For them, it’s not about attraction but finding someone who will support them financially, emotionally, and domestically.
These men rely on societal expectations and gender roles to suck everything they can from their unsuspecting partner, giving back as little as possible.
How Women End Up with Hobosexual Men
Unsuspecting women fall into the hobosexual trap every day. They’re master manipulators, preying on societal expectations and the little girl’s fantasy of true love.
They’re far too clever to ask for money and shelter immediately. It starts with small, seemingly insignificant details.
You want to go someplace exciting, but he can’t afford it, so you offer to pay his way because you like him and want his company. The money doesn’t matter.
But soon, he can’t seem to afford anything, and you’re paying all the bills while he blows the little money he has on junk like video games.
But it’s not only financial matters. He’ll convince you to live with him, but you find yourself buying everything for the household while doing most of the housework and emotional labor.
You’re not just the breadwinner; you’re now the sole provider, maid, cook, and household manager, and you aren’t sure how you got there.
The relationship didn’t start so one-sided. He gradually offloaded all his responsibilities to you.
Like a frog in boiling water, you didn’t realize how hot it was getting, how much you were taking on until it hit the boiling point, and you found yourself handling everything while he sat back and coasted through life.
The Female Hobosexual
It’s not just a woman’s issue. Anybody can be taken advantage of in a relationship. Awful women are out there trying to get men to pay for everything, and same-sex relationships face similar challenges.
It’s not men who are users. People, in general, can be users. It’s a human issue. When users of any gender see a free ride, they try to latch on.
However, there are unique issues affecting women that make it easier for female breadwinners to get sucked into this trap.
Social and Psychological Reasons Women Get Taken Advantage Of
Female breadwinners often find themselves in the “mom” role in addition to the “provider” role. It happens due to social expectations related to gender roles and psychological issues related to how a specific woman internalized messages from their childhood about how to treat people or behave.
As a high earner, I’ve found myself in relationships with men seeking to take advantage of me all too many times.
My reasons are a mix of both, and I’m sure a lot of women can relate.
Societal Expectations
Women who outearn their partners often fight complex emotional battles. They’re overwhelmed with guilt and shame, and often downplay their salaries to soften the blow to their partner’s ego.
As a woman who outearned all her partners, I understand.
I feel guilty because I can do things my partner can’t do. I don’t want to exclude him, and I don’t want the shame of telling my friends that he can’t come to a particular event or outing because he can’t afford it.
Rather than explore the root of my issues or explore them together to reach a healthy compromise that worked for both partners, I overcompensated. I tried way too hard to ensure that whoever I was dating didn’t feel bad about their lack of income, going so far as to call it “our money,” letting them pay for dinner with my credit card, and allowing them access to my funds, so they didn’t feel like they were missing out.
How Feelings of Shame & Guilt Attract Users
These feelings create prime conditions for the manipulative user to strike. They understand your feelings. Some are even empaths who can feel them with you – and they use that to their advantage.
It doesn’t take an empath to understand the complex feelings surrounding changing culture and find ways to use them for personal gain.
Hobosexuals became masters of it.
They seek out high-earning women who have complex feelings about their societal role and use that to their advantage.
Overcoming The Shame
It’s difficult to overcome the complex feelings that arise from outearning your partner.
However, learning that their issues aren’t your problem and that a relationship takes two caring partners are both essential steps.
Therapy can help drive the message home.
Their Feelings Aren’t Your Problem
Although we want our partners to be happy, we shouldn’t sacrifice our well-being to accommodate their feelings.
Passing him my card so he could feel “manly” about paying for dinner is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever done. I was so concerned about protecting his ego that I couldn’t enjoy myself.
If a man can’t graciously accept that his partner earns more and wants to pay, he shouldn’t be with a higher-earning partner. If it really bothered him, he could try to earn more money (a hobosexual never will).
His complicated feelings about being with a woman who earns more are his problem, not hers.
He needs to deal with them without resorting to taking advantage of her.
What Partnership Is
Learning what a true partnership is helps you recognize those who want to take advantage. A true partner will care for you just as you care for them.
The contributions don’t have to be financial. We often fall into the trap of thinking that a man must take the “provider” role. Somewhere along the way society twisted that into providing an income and nothing else, but that’s wrong.
Men can give domestic labor and emotional support just as well as women. Some men are better at it; some women are worse.
True partnership plays to each other’s strengths and weaknesses, with both contributing something to the relationship.
Therapy
If you can’t overcome these feelings alone, consider seeking therapy.
When trying to navigate an abusive relationship that I didn’t realize was abusive at the time, I saw a therapist. I opened up about my guilt.
I expressed how uncomfortable I was doing simple things for myself, like ordering take-out. I didn’t want to pay for him because, at this point, I was sick of giving everything while he refused to put in any effort.
But I still felt terrible about bringing food home for just myself.
My philosophy has always been that you should take care of each other in a relationship, and I felt guilty if I did anything that made it seem like I wasn’t caring for him.
In my twisted worldview, I made more money and should pay for everything. It didn’t matter that he didn’t care for my needs; I should give more and more of myself because that’s what you do when you love someone.
Therapy taught me how messed up that way of thinking is. You should want to take care of your partner, but not to the point where you limit yourself.
But the most crucial lesson I learned is that your partner should care for you in return. If they don’t, they aren’t a partner.
They’re using you.
Internalizing Childhood Socialization
Society sees women as caring nurturers and bombards them with messages reinforcing this role throughout their lives.
Our toys are baby dolls and kitchen sets. The media shows us doting mothers and working fathers. We even see it in our own homes, with Dad on the couch while Mom runs the household.
In previous generations, that’s how things were. Women were forced into the role and didn’t have any other options.
Although our legal options have completely changed since our grandmother’s time, culture is slower to adapt, and the messages we hear often fill our heads with false ideas of how we’re supposed to act.
My Experience As Society’s Caring Nurturer
I embraced the message.
I care so much about people, especially someone I’m in a relationship with. I’ll do anything I can to make them feel special and loved.
Although I genuinely want to do those things, it’s a little more than that. I feel compelled to do it.
I thought that’s what you were supposed to do in a relationship.
It never occurred to me that both partners should bring that much energy to a relationship.
Women often give so much of themselves in relationships because they were socialized to nurture everyone else, and they rarely receive the same appreciation in return. Their loving gestures soon become baseline expectations, while their partners sit back and enjoy the treatment, never reciprocating.
And the worst part is – I actually enjoy taking care of people, especially a partner! A lot of women do.
But hobosexuals take advantage of our caring nature. They make us hate by transforming it from a loving gesture into some weird expectation that’s never reciprocated.
We must remember that a relationship is give and take. A good partner will match our energy, giving us just as much special treatment as we give them.
Why Do Men Take Advantage of Women?
We’ve covered how women fall into a hobosexual’s trap, but the glaring elephant in the room is why so many men refuse to contribute to relationships.
Why are there so many hobosexuals out there, desperately searching for a woman to take care of them?
I believe men become hobosexuals for the same reasons women fall for them: gender roles and socialization.
The entire phenomenon illustrates how the patriarchy hurts everyone.
Men’s Societal Roles
Society tells men they must be providers, but as more and more women take on that role, men feel left out.
They feel emasculated when their partners outearn them because society deems a man who can’t pay “unmanly.”
Some embrace it and revert to a childhood self. They refuse to engage in society and find other ways to survive. Some live in their parents’ basements, while others latch on to unsuspecting women.
Socializing Men
Men and women receive very different messages in childhood.
Little girls learn they must nurture everyone else, while little boys learn they’re the heroes of the story and are entitled to whatever they want.
The woman in his life is not a human being with her own wants, needs, and desires – instead, she’s his sidekick. Her world should revolve around him, not the other way around.
The misogynistic messaging leads some men to believe they’re entitled to a woman’s labor. They don’t even see it as using her – they believe it’s just how relationships are supposed to be.
Some People Are Awful
Though some men become hobosexuals due to societal expectations and internalized childhood messaging, the truth is that most hobosexuals are just bad people.
Many people of both genders are awful. They take advantage of people’s kindness. They use manipulation tactics like lovebombing to create feelings of love and partnership that aren’t real.
Men don’t have a monopoly on awfulness, but we don’t call these awful women hobosexuals. We call them golddiggers or worse.
How Do I Stop Being Taken Advantage of?
If you’re reading this, seeing yourself in my experiences, recognizing the one-sided nature of your relationship, or realizing that most of your relationships end up this way, rest assured, there is hope.
Here are some things you can do to prevent yourself from falling into the same trap.
Choosing Your Partner
The “not all men” crowd is right. Not all men seek women to care for them. Millions of men want equal relationships and will give just as much as they receive.
I can’t stand the “choose better” refrain awful men shout at women who’ve experienced abuse; it feels really victim blamey. In a perfect world, there would be no hobosexuals, and women wouldn’t have to worry.
Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world, we live in one crawling with user men.
We can help you spot the signs and avoid them.
Red Flags You’re Dating a Hobosexual
My experience dating hobosexuals helped me identify eight red flags that will help you weed out men looking for a free ride:
- Addiction
- Lack of household items
- Serial Unemployment
- Blaming Others
- Too Agreeable
- Too Invested Too Early
- Expecting you to Pay
- Emotional Abuse
Let’s look at these in-depth and uncover why they’re red flags.
Addiction
I feel for men suffering from substance abuse disorders. They desperately need help.
Unfortunately, they often search for women to support them (and their habit) rather than seek the help they need.
Addicts won’t tell you they’re an addict. They’ll go to great lengths to hide their substance abuse. People with an addiction are great at lying about their behavior, at least in the short term.
If you’ve never had experience with people with a substance abuse disorder before, it’s hard to see the signs. At what point does having a beer every night become a problem?
Check out this article from the Mayo Clinic that can help you spot the signs and symptoms.
Once you’ve determined there’s a problem, cut them loose. Don’t fall into the trap that “you can help them.” They will not change for you. They will only make your life miserable as they spiral further and further.
Lack of Household Items
If you’re dating an adult, they should have adult things. Their house should contain items that adults use regularly.
A lack of household essentials is a massive red flag you shouldn’t ignore.
When I first started dating my most recent ex, I’d have to bring toilet paper with me when I went to his place because he couldn’t be bothered to get it.
I thought it was funny at the time.
Now I realize he couldn’t even really care for himself like an adult, so how could I expect him to care for me in the adult ways I’d need?
He couldn’t.
A thirty-something-year-old man who can’t afford basic household necessities is a giant waving hobosexual red flag. He doesn’t care for himself because he’s looking for someone else to care for him.
It doesn’t have to be you.
Serial Unemployment
I believe in the best in people.
If someone tells me they are out of work because they just fell on hard times, I tend to believe them. I don’t hold anyone’s job (or lack thereof!) against them. I don’t want to be that “golddigger” who only dates men with high-paying jobs.
However, I have learned that serially unemployed men are the biggest users.
They don’t want to work; they want to find someone to care for them. They purposefully quit their jobs at any slight to their egos, real or imagined. They feel like they’re “too good” for lower-paying jobs but won’t do anything to improve their career outlooks.
Men like this are poison to women. They’ll use any excuse not to work and are unlikely to pick up the household slack in return. That’s “women’s work,” and they’re above it.
But they’ll also use our socialization against us. They’ll make us feel like “golddiggers” for expecting them to contribute financially to the household, gaslighting us into believing asking them to get a job is a horrific strike against their freedom.
Anyone can fall victim to hard times, but an unemployed man should be looking for work, not a girlfriend.
Women must also watch out for men whose bosses are always against them, who can’t get along with coworkers, and who seem to burn every bridge they encounter.
Blaming Others
A man who can’t admit when he’s wrong is unlikely to be a good partner. If he constantly blames others for his failures, he may be unwilling to do the work necessary to succeed, both in life and in a relationship.
Did he lose his job because there was a layoff and he didn’t have the experience to stay, or did he lose his job because Jan from accounting bad-mouthed him to the boss? Does he blame his parents for his behavior, or does he hold himself accountable?
People who want to play the victim and refuse to accept responsibility for anything in their lives are not ready to grow up and have an adult relationship.
They want to be taken care of. They will blame and gaslight you when you don’t do what they want.
Too Agreeable
Agreeableness seems like an excellent quality for a partner on the surface, but you must tread carefully.
If someone just agrees to everything you say, are they really listening? Or are they just saying what they think you want to hear?
To tell the difference, pay attention to their actions rather than words. Someone who is just telling you what you want to hear won’t follow through. They will repeatedly disappoint you while promising they care and will do better next time.
Don’t fall for it.
Watch for the early signs of a smooth talker – they will agree with everything but won’t follow through with anything.
All in Too Soon
Manipulative people employ Love Bombing to get what they want. They will tell you how amazing you are, how they’ve never met anyone like you, and how you must be their soulmate within the first few weeks of dating.
Many people recognize it as a giant red flag, but for some of us Disney Princess wannabes, meeting someone you instantly connect with on that level is a dream come true.
Unfortunately, more likely than not, it’s just a fairy tale. It isn’t real.
You can’t know someone well enough after a few weeks to see that you want to be with them forever. Although some people marry quickly and make it work, there’s nothing wrong with waiting and taking things slow. If it’s meant to be, it will still be if you marry after two years rather than six months.
Expecting You to Pay
In the dating phase, both parties should offer to pay on occasion. It shows you both care about the partnership moving forward and both want to contribute.
If he doesn’t even attempt to pay anymore, he might be taking advantage of you.
A hobosexual will stop paying as soon as they can. They’ll stop reaching for their wallet the second they know you will cover the bill. He’ll make grand plans knowing he can’t afford it, assuming you’ll cover it.
This doesn’t apply if you are in a long-term relationship and have discussed who pays for what. But if you just started dating someone who expects you to pay all the time, you may want to re-evaluate.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is a clear sign that your partner is taking advantage of you, but one that’s difficult to see when you’re in the thick of it. Identifying it is challenging because we don’t teach people the signs of emotional abuse.
Instead, we’re taught to care for everyone, be nice, do everything around the house, and be thankful that we even caught a man, regardless of how he treats us.
The idea that being in a relationship is the pinnacle achievement for women leads to a rampant amount of emotional abuse, and the worst thing is that most women don’t even recognize the behavior as abusive.
I was one of those women.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over five years, and it just kept getting worse and worse. The thing is, I didn’t recognize the behavior as abusive. We aren’t taught those things.
So, to help other women who might be in similar situations, I wrote a mini-ebook outlining some of the signs of emotional abuse, using stories from my life.
It was tough to write and may be challenging to read, both for the content and lack of a decent editor, but if my example can help anyone else avoid abuse, it was worthwhile to write.
And it looks like it did from the two reviews:
Grab your copy at Barnes & Noble!
How To Avoid Hobosexuals
Choosing the right partner is crucial to avoid getting taken advantage of, but there are other things you can do to:
- Don’t Disclose Your Salary
- Take Things Slow
- Set Clear Boundaries
- Protect Yourself
Here’s why these four things are vital.
Don’t Disclose Your Salary
When a hobosexual knows how much you make, they seek ways to benefit.
It starts small, like asking to borrow a few bucks they do not intend to repay. It always grows.
They’ll start planning weekend getaways (with the expectation that you’ll pay) and going over budget on shopping trips. In their mind, you make more than enough to cover it, so why does it matter?
I’ve learned not to disclose my salary to anyone unless we are at the point of combining finances.
The “what’s mine is yours” mentality only works when both people are on board.
Take It Slow
Fools rush in, as they say. And I’m not going to lie; I’ve been incredibly foolish.
I’ve since learned that taking things slowly is a better approach. It takes a long time for the rose-colored glasses to wear off, and you want to be sure that you are still independent when they do.
When wearing rose-colored glasses, red flags look like regular flags.
Set Boundaries
Many women struggle to set and enforce boundaries. However, this work is vital for protecting yourself against hobosexuals.
Make it clear from the beginning that caring for anyone but yourself is not your job. Don’t feel obligated to buy him things that he can’t buy himself, and don’t let him make you feel guilty about it.
Ensure that the relationship is moving at a pace that you are comfortable with. The boundaries you set need to be what is comfortable for you.
If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they don’t respect you, and you should reconsider the budding relationship.
Protect Yourself
Sometimes, it takes a long time for a manipulator to show their true colors (or for us to notice them!). Protecting yourself is crucial to avoid falling into a user’s trap.
Keep all of your accounts separate. If you decide to merge finances at one point, maintain at least one account in your name alone. It’s always wise to have a safety net.
Don’t cosign for anything unless you’re married. I stupidly cosigned a car for a previous partner, which left me holding the bag for years.
You also need to request a prenuptial agreement before marriage. It’s a sensitive topic, but a prenup is a good idea when there is a significant financial disparity. If he won’t sign saying he doesn’t deserve the wealth you built before you met him, he’s probably after your money*.
*Unless there’s an agreement to be a stay-at-home parent. They stay at home spouse absolutely deserves something for their sacrifices.
How Do You Tell if a Guy Is Taking Advantage of You?
Identifying hobosexuals isn’t easy. Some are master manipulators. Their entire goal is to make you think they love you so they can continue their life on easy mode.
First, ask yourself if this article resonated with you. There might be hints of inequity in your relationship if it did.
You may also notice he’s ignoring your boundaries or your relationship lacks equality.
Ignoring Boundaries
A solid partner should respect your limits and work to ensure you feel safe and secure.
Users will push those boundaries and do everything they can to get you to ease up so they can push the line further and further back.
Consider how an ex pushed my boundaries about spending money. I’m happy to help with basic living expenses, but I expect a partner to pay for his needs before his wants. My ex would spend his money on video games and then couldn’t afford his bills.
Of course, there was always a sob story behind it. His work cut his hours unexpectedly, or he got paid later than expected. I stupidly accepted these excuses, and eventually, it became customary for him to buy games while I paid his bills.
My boundary about prioritizing bills was stomped out of existence.
Unequal Partnership
They say that relationships should be 50/50, but it’s fair to say it will never be 50/50 at any given time.
We all have ups and downs. In a good partnership, there will be times when you give 100% and times when you give 0. That’s life – you carry each other when needed.
But when you’re being taken advantage of, it will feel like you constantly give 90-100% while never getting anything in return (hint: because that’s what’s happening!).
If you are constantly giving and giving and giving without getting taken care of in return, you are probably being taken advantage of.
What Do You Do When Your Boyfriend is a Hobosexual?
So what should you do right now if you’re in a relationship with a hobosexual?
The first step is to see a counselor. If you think the relationship can be salvaged, bring him with you and do couples therapy. He may notice that his behavior is detrimental and make a real effort to change.
Therapy only works if both partners want it to work. Some men specifically seek out relationships like this. They don’t want to change. They enjoy life on easy mode. They chose you because they knew you would be an easy target.
These hobosexual men may even talk a big game in therapy. You must ignore their words and pay attention to their actions. If all they do is talk without following through, they’re just trying to keep their free ride.
In cases like this, it’s best to get out. I know it’s more challenging than just leaving, so check out this article from Psychology Today about how to plan to escape.
Your safety is the top priority.
Women Don’t Have to Settle for Hobosexual Men
Society is rapidly changing, with culture lagging. Even highly accomplished women who save lives, develop new technologies, and run global corporations feel that their lives aren’t complete without a man.
These powerful women settle with hobosexuals who refuse to contribute.
Fortunately, culture is shifting, and more and more women realize that they don’t need to settle with these users. They’re choosing to remain single rather than play housemaid to a man who doesn’t earn his keep.
There are also plenty of men out there who will contribute.
Finding one is worth the wait.
Been there, done that. Glad you are learning. My learning was very hard also. My own, and only, child also? Yes. It amazes me how many people seem to only be interested in destroying what I had accomplished, so they could benefit.
Yep, exactly. Some people are just manipulators. But I think others fall into it unintentionally, just like we fall into the habit of taking care of them unintentionally. Either way, things turn out bad for us though.
Also been there done that. Back in the midst of it. Sigh.
Big issue I think is we got together so young, he went straight from living at home to living with me.
I had to leave him during one of his unemployed periods and blogged about it. Hardest thing I ever did. He got his shit together after that but now we’re in a rut again. Being the female breadwinner sucks. I’m also working on my codependency issues right now.
Codependency is so tough to beat. It’s hard to see the patterns. I don’t think any of this is due to being the female breadwinner though. I have faith that I can make more money than a partner and have him take care of me in other ways.
I’ve been there too. With many of my exes – I think being taken advantage of financially is just another facet of the greater being taken advantage of. In fact, I’m willing to go so far as to say, if this person is taking advantage of you financially, they are probably doing it in other domains too.
I definitely find myself nodding to a lot of the why’s and hows. Love your tips for prevention.
I agree. All of my exes took advantage of me in multiple ways. It wasn’t just financial…I did the majority of the housework and bore the mental load as well. I’m glad they are exes.
I so appreciate how open and honest you are here – hopefully it helps other women take care of themselves in the future.
Thank you Angela! I hope it does as well.
Welcome to a mans world
I think it’s a human’s world. There are always people who are looking to take advantage of someone, regardless of gender. Sucks for everyone really.
As I was reading this post, I definitely saw things that have happened to my older brothers, including taking on the house work and childrearing. While I definitely know this happens to men, I’ve also been on the receiving end as a woman, so I know it goes both ways. Opportunists abound, and the more giving you are to the wrong person, the more likely you are to get burned. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true. The key is not rushing in like Melanie references in the article. Take your time getting to know the person first, so you can gauge the person’s character because it shows up quickly.
Thank you for covering this important topic, Melanie!
It’s so true that opportunists are everywhere. I’ve been on the receiving end multiple times as a woman – and you’re right, you give and give because that’s what you’ve been taught to do (and you’re a good person) and you just get burned more. I think people from both genders need to learn to the signs of a user.
Thanks for writing this, Melanie. I can definitely relate!
You’re welcome! I’m actually saddened by how many women are relating to this. I wish people wouldn’t purposefully take advantage of each other, but unfortunately that’s just not the world we live in.
Great article!
Been struggling with thoughts like these myself lately, with my husband being chronically ill it is difficult to work, and their freelance income is modest at best.
I”m glad you liked the article! I think a lot of women can relate, so I think we need to have more of these discussions.