Dating is rough.
Ask anyone on the dating market, and they’ll talk your ear off about how tough it is to find a suitable mate. So, what’s really going on? Why the disconnect with dating standards between men and women?
Men’s Experiences with Dating
Men claim it’s a desert. Try as they might to put themselves out there; they can’t find anyone who will agree to even a first date.
As they sort through the tumbleweeds and scammers on their dating apps, they lament women’s standards, saying no one will even give them a chance.
Women’s Experiences with Dating
Women are surrounded by eligible men trying to woo them, but as the old rhyme goes, “water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.”
Many women liken their dating pool to a swamp. Sure, there’s tons of water, but you don’t even want to stick your toe in, much less drink it. It’s increasingly difficult to find what they call “quality men.”
Men Think Women Should Lower Their Standards
If you glimpse the red-pilled manosphere, which no longer sticks to the deepest, darkest corners of the internet but made its way into public discourse, you’ll find all fingers pointing at women.
Its women’s fault men can’t get dates. Women’s higher standards created the loneliness epidemic.
These male spaces claim all women only want men in the top 10% of all men, not only in attractiveness (which they refuse to believe may be subjective) but also in career and social standing.
If women weren’t obsessed with finding a 6-foot-tall neurosurgeon who earns over 300K per year, we wouldn’t have a loneliness epidemic. Women should lower their dating standards and give shorter and poorer guys a chance.
Women’s Perspective Paints a Very Different Picture
Women only shake their heads at these suggestions. They’ve explained over and over again what they want.
Most women seek a kind, relatively attractive man with a stable income who treats them as equals. They don’t care about height; they’re attracted to various traits and mostly understand that average salaries are nowhere near 300K per year.
Women say that most men can’t even meet these basic requirements.
Where’s the Disconnect with Dating Standards?
Men think women have too high of standards, while women think most men can’t reach the ridiculously low bar they’ve set.
These differences in opinion showcase a massive disconnect between men and women regarding dating standards.
An examination of the data, news reports, and current research implies that men may be causing their own problems in the dating market. These issues include things like:
- Overreliance on dating apps
- Listening to other men about what women want
- A difference in dating standards between men and women
- Man falling behind in society
Here’s an examination of these factors, showcasing how they all combine to make the dating market what it is.
Overreliance on Dating Apps
Men complaining about loneliness love pointing to a study showing that 80% of women only go for the top 20% of men.
The problem is that the study was only about online dating, a well-known cesspool where the only thing you see is how a person looks. It also didn’t consider the gender imbalance with online dating profiles or the different strategies each gender employs on these platforms.
More men are active on online dating apps than women, and men are far more likely to swipe right on anyone, while women limit their likes to the men they’re actually interested in. The result is a barren wasteland for men and an overabundance for the few women who still use these apps.
Men who wish to date must get off the apps and interact with real women.
Not Listening to Women About What Women Want
Men will listen to everyone about how to score more dates with women, except, of course, the very women they want to date.
Men, not women, claim women only go for the top 20%. It’s men, not women, who are obsessed with trivial things like height and status.
Women around the internet tell men exactly what they want, yet men refuse to listen.
Some men don’t listen because it’s easier to believe that women have ridiculous dating standards they can never meet than to do the hard work necessary to become a desirable partner. You can’t magically grow 4 inches to become six feet tall, but you can go to therapy and examine the behaviors that make you toxic and off-putting. The second option is far harder than the first.
Another reason men don’t listen to women is because they don’t realize they’re doing the exact same thing they blame women for. An average man who only pursues the top 10% of women won’t meet her standards. These women do want it all – the tall, dark, and handsome Adonis, and she will ignore any caller who doesn’t check those boxes. But she will probably find what she wants.
This brings us to the next problem – the differences in standards between men and women.
Women’s Standards vs Men’s Standards
Men constantly lament women’s standards, saying no man will ever be able to meet them, while women say, “So what?”
Many men don’t realize they’re not competing with other men in the dating game; they’re competing with a woman’s happiness alone. She will not settle for a man who makes her life miserable; she’d rather be single.
Conversely, men seem happy to settle with someone who doesn’t meet their standards as long as it means they get to be with someone.
Why are men okay with settling while women aren’t? There are many possible reasons for the difference, including:
- Men not acknowledging their own standards
- A wife as social status
- Women’s historical oppression
- Biological differences and gender roles
- Differences in dating risks
Let’s examine these factors more closely.
Men Don’t See Their Own Standards
Throughout history, men have been allowed standards while women have not.
Women didn’t get to decide who they married. Men bought and sold daughters like they were cattle. Even now, everything caters to the male gaze with the assumption that “men are visual” and care more about physical attractiveness.
Many men assume their standards are completely justified because historically they have been, while women’s standards are outrageous because historically, women weren’t allowed a say.
Men will reject scores of women for being “overweight,” “too old,” “single mothers,” or countless other reasons, yet get angry when the attractive super-model-esque 22-year-old he wants to date refuses his advances. He’ll say her standards are too high while ignoring his own ridiculous standards.
Wife as a Social Status
Men may be willing to settle because they view having a wife as a ticket towards higher social status. It doesn’t actually matter who the person is; they just want a wife.
Historically, a wife provided men with many benefits, including access to sex, children, a homemaker, maid, social scheduler, and cheerleader. Having a wife meant the man could kick back and relax, gave social proof that he was decent, and helped him advance his career.
Even today, a “family man” is considered a better person than a bachelor. Men with wives get respect from society without putting in much effort.
Although historically, a good husband was a woman’s ticket to social status, today, women can earn a living on their own. They don’t need a husband for social status. which leads us to the next reason why women have higher dating standards:
Historical Oppression
Women can survive and thrive without a man for the first time in history. They refuse to give up their freedom for something worse.
Women fought tooth and nail for the right to work and support themselves financially. Modern women saw their mothers and grandmothers trapped in awful relationships and vowed not to repeat the same mistakes. They want a partner who will enhance their lives, not make their lives harder. They refuse to even engage with men who don’t meet that standard.
Is this a case of women’s standards being too high, or is it a case of women finally having the ability to choose what she wants in life?
Biological Realities and Social Roles
To have a child, a woman must put her body through nine months of misery. Pregnancy causes a lot of medical and social problems. Having children stifles a woman’s lifetime earnings and often thrusts young women into poverty if they even survive childbirth.
On top of that, women still take on the burden of domestic labor.
All this means having sex poses a far greater risk to women than to men. Men shouldn’t be surprised that women have higher standards, but for some reason, they’re shocked.
Dating Risks
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But it’s not just the risk of pregnancy, childbirth, and domestic servitude holding women back. Men don’t want to admit how much riskier dating is for women.
How often do men think about where to meet, having a friend on standby, or the best escape routes when meeting a woman for the first time? Women think about it Every. Single. Time.
Though most men are safe, women can’t tell the difference between a decent guy and a predator, especially when meeting for the first time. A man who doesn’t check most of her boxes is not worth the risk.
Men Falling Behind
The final reason men experience a dating desert compared to women’s swamps is that men are falling behind in every metric.
Women want an equal partner, but in today’s world, fewer and fewer men want to step up to that challenge. Women are doing better in high school and graduating college at greater rates than men for the first time in history. These women are going on to have exceptional careers while the men can’t seem to find a footing in society.
As more and more women reach the stars, more and more men succumb to despair. They become hobosexuals, floating from relationship to relationship, seeking a replacement mother who will cook, clean, work, provide, and manage the schedule while he spends his time gaming.
Women don’t want relationships with these hobosexuals. They’d rather be alone than have a partner who can’t care for himself.
But rather than step up to become equal partners, men dig in deeper, finding solace in online communities that tell them women’s standards are simply too high.
How To Fix It
Many articles about women’s dating standards, the male loneliness epidemic, and the overall pattern of men falling behind will point directly back at men and say, “This is your problem – you solve it.”
The idea is that men built society for men. If you can’t keep up, that’s your own problem to fix.
However, that attitude further increases the disconnect between men and women, keeping us fighting amongst ourselves rather than looking at the bigger picture.
Here are some ways we can fix it without blaming the guys.
Create More Third Spaces
Online dating creates more problems than it solves, but when you tell men to get off the apps and meet people in real life, they offer a justifiable complaint: where do you meet people?
Most of our public spaces, those fun, free places where we’d hang out away from work and home, have vanished. Advances in internet technology have isolated most of us, who find entertainment online rather than outside.
We need to bring back the third spaces, and we all need to appreciate them more. Bring back malls, hobby spaces, community centers, events, games, and all the random places people used to meet. Make existing in public okay again, not just for men or single people, but for everyone.
We all need to leave our houses more and rejoin our communities.
Empathy for Each Other
The world needs more empathy. Men who lament their current dating woes receive a barrage of responses telling them it’s all their fault and they need to improve. These responses never acknowledge the systematic problems keeping men trapped in loneliness and isolation.
We quickly understand the trials and tribulations of minority groups and can clearly see how the system keeps women (for example) trapped. We research the motherhood penalty and gender pay gap, read historical essays on feminism, and discuss womanhood, femininity, and female sexuality while considering how all these variables play into any woman’s current situation before judging her.
We never give men the same grace, but these same systems (discussed next!) hurt them too.
Dismantle the Patriarchy
Men feel threatened whenever anyone mentions the patriarchy, feeling that the finger is pointed right in their direction. The first step to solving this problem is getting all the men (the vast majority of men) who DIDN’T help create the patriarchy onboard with dismantling it.
“Men” aren’t the problem. Wealthy rulers who built and maintained the patriarchy (both male and female) are the problem.
A patriarchal society hurts everyone who isn’t a wealthy man. It tells men they must be providers, they’re owed a woman, and the only people worth emulating are other men. It forces men into roles they may not want and scoffs at anyone who dares fight against it while tying a man’s social status to his sexual prowess and ability to maintain a wife.
Parenting Boys
Society claims girls are harder to raise than boys, but is that really true?
Parents coddle their boys, refuse to teach them basic life skills like empathy, respect, or how to do a chore, let them run free under the guise of “boys will be boys”, and then wonder why they can’t function in society. At the same time, they have high standards of their girls, expecting maturity, naturing, and help around the house from an early age.
It’s a symptom of the patriarchy, but it’s worth mentioning, because boys can be so much better if we, as society, decide to raise them right.
Fix Society
Though the patriarchy is a massive part of the problem, it’s not the whole problem.
Unbridled capitalism deserves some blame here too. The same system that says men must be providers also made it nearly impossible for men to provide. Wages haven’t kept up with inflation, education is prohibitively expensive, housing costs too much, and people are struggling just to keep their heads above water. A lot of people are giving up due to these problems, not just men.
Time for a Paradigm Shift
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We need a paradigm shift that redefines both men and women as human beings, each with inherent value outside of any specific gender role.
When we achieve that, dating will be better for everyone.