A good marriage takes a certain amount of trust. A couple melds their lives together, merging everything from furniture to finance.
Discovering that your partner hid something from you can be jarring, so one man came to Reddit looking for advice after finding his wife’s big secret.
The Original Poster (OP) explained that he’d been married for ten years. He and his wife share two young boys, aged six and ten.
He works to provide for his family while his wife stays home, raising the children and caring for the house. They enjoy a middle-class lifestyle. While they can’t embark on exotic trips, there’s always food on the table and a roof over his head.
He thought everything was great until he discovered his wife’s secret.
A Secret Account
One day, OP noticed an unexpected transaction while checking his online banking statement. After digging deeper, he found a few small transfers to this unknown account.
Only one other person can access his checking accounts, so he asked his wife about the transactions.
“I confronted my wife, and she eventually admitted that she has a [separate] bank account that she hasn’t told me about,” reported OP.
The Resulting Fight
The shocking news upset OP. He asked to see the statements, and his wife refused.
“I called her a liar and untrustworthy,” said OP, admitting this was wrong by adding, “I probably shouldn’t have.”
They went to bed, leaving the fight unresolved.
Curiosity Gets the Best of Him
OP couldn’t let it go, so while his wife was asleep, he went through her things to find evidence of the account. He discovered a debit card in her wallet and took it on his weekly gym outing.
OP shared that his wife tends to use the same pin number for all her cards, so he tried it with this one at the ATM and was able to unlock the account balance.
“There was only a few hundred dollars in the account,” he reported, saying this makes sense because he probably wouldn’t have noticed if she was funneling more money away from his main account.
How To Move Forward
OP can’t understand why his wife would have a secret account or refuse to share the transaction history.
“I feel like she’s really trying to hide something, but I can’t work out what it could possibly be,” he said, coming to Reddit for help.
Users responded, alleviating his fears and giving him a dose of reality about what being a stay-at-home mom means.
Many stay-at-home moms reported complex feelings around money. Though they know they should be entitled to a share of the household income, they feel weird about using it.
Husbands nitpick every little purchase, and they feel obligated to ask before buying something for themselves.
Having a separate bank account that doesn’t suffer the same level of scrutinization provides them with a slight sense of control over their lives.
Everyone Needs Their Own Account
Others pointed out that everyone needs their own bank account. Joining finances is excellent, but everyone needs to look out for themselves first and foremost.
Your account allows you to leave an abusive situation and control your spending. It also offers a safety net in case of legal problems.
He Sounds Controlling
Many users pointed out that OP sounds controlling, so they understand why she’d want her own money.
“Dude is so controlling he does a full on investigation over $100.00 but wonders why his wife might want her own $ to buy a freaking potted plant without asking,” said one user.
OP Takes Critiscm to Heart
Reddit users opened OP’s eyes to the challenges stay-at-home moms face. He edited his post to thank the users who pointed out her likely concerns, and said he’d apologize to his wife and change his behavior.
We hope things work out for the best for both of them.