The battle between working spouses and stay-at-home parents rages ever onward. The working spouse thinks the job at home is easy and feels entitled to a relaxing evening upon returning home from the grind, while the stay-at-home partner feels their work is never done.
In the past, the ideal housewife did all the chores while looking after the children, and the husband worked his nine-to-five. Was that the answer? Should stay-at-home moms do everything, or do dads need to step up?
Mom’s Story Highlights Division
After years of doing everything at home, one burnt-out woman came to the internet for a little perspective.
The Original Poster (OP) said she’s a stay-at-home mother to three kids and pregnant with a fourth.
She didn’t disclose the kids’ ages, but she did mention homework as one of her many tasks, so we can assume at least one is school-aged.
She’s a Stay-at-Home Mom – So She Does Everything
OP’s husband seems to think the life of a stay-at-home parent abounds with leisure. He demands she complete all the housework and childcare on her own, making her responsible for cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, shopping, and anything related to school.
Her caretaking role extends to him as well. He wants her to cook him three meals daily: breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
OP managed this ridiculous ask with three kids, some of whom go to school for most of the day, but navigating summer vacation and pregnancy made it difficult.
She couldn’t keep up.
No Sympathy from Husband
OP’s husband completely disregarded her valid concerns, telling her it’s her job and she needs to do it.
Although unspoken, it’s clear from the story that he doesn’t consider the housework “work.” He thinks she’s living life on easy mode off his sweat and tears.
It’s a common problem in the working spouse/stay-at-home spouse divide. People who go to a job where they earn a paycheck don’t see everything it takes to run a household. They think their work is hard work, while dishes, cooking, laundry, and childcare just magically happen.
The “working” partner also doesn’t realize how lucky they are to have time off. They can separate “work” from “home” and use their time at home to relax and recharge. A stay-at-home parent doesn’t have that luxury. They’re on 24/7 – especially with young kids. They don’t get weekends off.
In cases like this, the working partner subsidizes their free time with their partner’s hard work. They only have the opportunity to relax because their partner manages the house.
OP Refuses to Cook
Prostock-studio via Shutterstock.com.
Something had to give, and it wouldn’t be the children. OP decided to stop cooking for her husband.
It’s been two nights, and he’s berating her as a terrible wife and making passive-aggressive comments about his hunger while refusing to do anything to take care of himself.
OP feels undervalued in the relationship. She’s been waiting on him hand and foot for years and has finally had enough.
However, his behavior makes her question her decision. Should she continue to cook him dinner?
He Needs to Step Up
Society lied to men. They learned they were entitled to a housewife who would handle all the domestic labor. It was an unfair expectation of women from the beginning, but it’s only been in the last few decades that women had the right to refuse.
Although most men recognize the inequality and have learned to step up, some holdouts still believe a stay-at-home mom should do everything at home, including taking care of him.
Thankfully, most people, men and women, agreed with OP, saying her husband is slacking. He works 8 hours a day while she’s on call 24/7. Unless he works regular 16-hour shifts, he has no room to say OP isn’t doing enough.
How to Make the Relationship More Fair
Unfortunately, OP has let this go on for far too long. She helped him believe he’s entitled to her labor because she’s been doing it for so long.
It’s not her fault, just like it’s not his. Society trained us to accept these unfair roles, and it’s all too easy to fall into them.
But OP clearly wants things to change. How can she undo years of conditioning?
Make Him Do Her Work
If OP wants to salvage the relationship, she needs to make her husband understand how hard she works daily.
Many users recommended she take time away to let him handle things at home. OP should book a week-long getaway and turn her phone off. Let him wrangle the kids, cook dinner, handle laundry, and keep the house clean. Let him see how much she does every day.
If he’s a decent human, he’ll change his tune.
Fair Play
In recent years, loads of literature showcasing this very issue exploded onto the scene. Fair Play stands as one of the best, helping each partner take ownership of chores from start to finish.
However, given her husband’s negative attitude toward making himself dinner, he might not be willing to engage in a conversation about owning chores.
Divorce?
Others mentioned divorce, but it’s unlikely OP can afford to divorce her husband. She hasn’t worked a “real” job in years and will likely get saddled with custody, limiting her options for working outside the home.
However, many single mothers found their workload drastically decreased after divorcing the deadbeat dad who only provided a paycheck, so maybe OP would have a similar experience.
Sometimes it’s better to take the chance for freedom than to continue living with someone who buys their free time with your labor.
Why Did You Have Kids With This Guy?
Far too many users questioned OP’s decision to have children with this man, acting like it’s all her fault for “choosing” the wrong man.
However, this line of questioning doesn’t allow for nuance.
Many women have kids with men like this because they don’t show their true colors until after the kids are born. By then, it’s too late.
Birth control fails, and many states restrict women’s access to reproductive health, so she has no option but to give birth to more children if she gets pregnant.
Things are never as cut and dry as they seem.
Working it Out
We hope OP’s husband realizes how awful he’s been and takes steps to change his behavior. Working together as a team to raise the kids and care for the home is the best possible outcome, but sadly, far too many men feel that work is above them.
We wish OP the best.
Should Stay-at-Home Moms Do Everything?
OP’s story highlights the problem many mothers face, whether they stay home or work outside the home.
The men in their lives don’t see domestic labor as “work” so they ignore it. They don’t want to do chores at home, so they let them sit until someone else does them (that someone else is nearly always the mom). They use weaponized incompetence to avoid chores.
Meanwhile, moms are burnt out. Working moms come home to a second shift, while stay-at-home moms never get a break.
What’s Fair?
In a fair relationship, both parties would have the same amount of free time. It’s not fair for a stay-at-home mom to work all day watching the kids, then work all night watching the kids and doing chores while the dad relaxes.
Parents can switch off evening chores to provide more fairness. Each partner can take a night away from the house each week. They could do the evening chores together.
Every couple and every relationship is different, so there’s no rule about what’s fair. But expecting a stay-at-home mom to do everything because she “doesn’t work” definitely isn’t it.