Are you a champion for yourself?
Society teaches many of us, but especially women to trust the experts, be nice, make others feel better about themselves, and never make waves.
We never learn the most crucial lessons: that we need to stand up for ourselves, speak up when something isn’t right, and demand to be heard.
Society doesn’t teach us self-advocacy, and it’s more vital now than ever before.
What is Self-Advocacy?
Self-advocacy is the act of advocating for one’s self in all aspects of your life. It means speaking up at the dr.’s office when they aren’t listening to your symptoms or telling your partner that they crossed your boundaries.
Though the two scenarios seem very different, they both lead back to self-advocacy.
Check out our video about Self-Advocacy on YouTube, and don’t forget to subscribe!
Why is Self-Advocacy Important?
There’s only one person you can rely on in this world, and that’s yourself. You know yourself better than anyone, and you will always be your number one fan and biggest cheerleader.
Many of us put our trust in our parents or partners to advocate for us, but even if they do have our best interests at heart they can’t know what we need better than we do.
The harsh truth of the matter is that these other people don’t always have our best interests at heart. Let’s face it, many people are inherently selfish and will look out for their own self-interest above all.
You must do the same.
I’m not saying you should adopt a “screw everyone else, I got mines!” attitude. Advocating for yourself doesn’t isn’t about turning to selfishness. It’s about making sure your own tank is full.
Think of it as putting your oxygen mask on before helping others. It doesn’t mean you aren’t going to help others; it just means that you have to help yourself first.
Being healthy and happy will give you the energy to help others even more.
The Three Parts of Self-Advocacy
Self-advocacy has three crucial components:
- Know Yourself
- Know Your Needs
- Know How to Get What You Need
Here’s why these three features are vital to properly advocating for yourself.
Know Yourself
Knowing yourself is vital to self-advocacy in all aspects of your life, from the workplace to at home, and to support your health and wellness.
Learn your strengths and weaknesses. Know what you can and can’t achieve. Uncover your hidden desires, and set goals for your life. Don’t let anyone, whether it be a partner or a boss, tell you what you’re capable of.
Knowing yourself physically is vital to advocating for your medical health. Listen to your body, and try to understand what it’s telling you. Remember that healthcare experts may be experts in their fields, but they aren’t experts on YOU. They’re also often overworked and stressed out, and tend to consider the most likely problems despite any evidence to the contrary.
When you know yourself, inside and out, you can better advocate for your needs.
Know Your Needs
When you know yourself, you can identify your needs.
If you’ve struggled with advocating for yourself in relationships, sit down and list everything you need from a partner. Do you need someone who will help with childcare and domestic labor, or someone who is a good provider? Perhaps you need a balance in both arenas.
Don’t forget to consider your emotional and mental needs as well. You need a partner who will treat you with dignity and respect, honor your boundaries, appreciate all your contributions, and view you as an equal partner.
Keep in mind that you can’t force someone to meet your needs. Part of self-advocacy is recognizing when something isn’t working and pulling the plug.
There is a partner out there who fits with you and can provide exactly what you need. Don’t settle for someone who won’t.
Compromise, Boundaries, Self-Advocacy, and Abuse
When discussing self-advocacy, it is crucial to understand the differences between compromising, abuse, and setting boundaries. It’s far too easy for these three ideas to get muddled up, especially in intimate relationships. Some may think they are “setting boundaries” or “getting what they need” when they’re actually acting abusively toward their partner.
The opposite also holds. People may think they are “compromising” for the sake of the relationship by giving up every aspect of themselves, in what in reality is an abusive relationship.
Some can’t tell the difference between a healthy boundary, a compromise, and abuse.
Compromise vs. Abuse
Relationships take compromise. Everyone won’t always get everything they want all the time, and that’s okay.
Advocating for yourself doesn’t mean you always have to win. You must consider your partner’s needs.
Instead, you must set boundaries so you know what you’re willing to compromise about and what you aren’t. Find solutions that meet both of your needs without crossing either of your boundaries.
Boundaries vs. Abuse
Be careful of boundaries that slip across the grey area into abuse. Controlling boundaries, like telling your partner what to wear, who they can talk to, and where they can go, aren’t boundaries. They’re abuse.
It’s not abusive to set reasonable, healthy boundaries, like the expectation that your partner contributes to the household. Some partners will try to turn it around, claiming you’re the abusive one for expecting any contribution. They’ll live off your hard work and call you abusive and controlling if you dare to argue.
Situations like this are a form of financial abuse, and you must not be afraid to advocate for yourself and your needs, even if it means exiting the relationship.
Self Advocacy vs. Abuse
Self-advocacy taken to the extreme may also become abusive. Some people claim they are just advocating for themselves, but they refuse to compromise and steamroll their partner whenever they express any needs.
I was trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship for five years, and most of it was due to my inability to tell the difference between his “self-advocacy” and my abuse. I kept trying to compromise to meet his needs, while his needs became greater and greater until they were the sole focus of the relationship and mine were less than an afterthought.
I shared my experiences in my eBook, This is Abuse, to help others recognize the insidious way abusers tear their victims down until there is nothing left.
Boundaries, self-advocacy, compromise, and abuse all live in a very grey area that differs for each person. It’s often difficult to tell when one crosses the line into another.
If you can’t tell the difference, or feel uncomfortable with any “boundaries” or “compromises” your partner expects, see a therapist. They can help you set healthy boundaries for yourself and identify abusive behavior, both in yourself and in your partner.
Know How to Get What You Need
The final part of self-advocacy is knowing how to get what you need. Oftentimes, this is as easy as speaking up when something isn’t right.
Unfortunately, easy is a relative term.
My Medical Self-Advocacy Story
Back in 2017, there was something wrong with my digestive system. I could hardly eat anything without experiencing horrific heartburn and bloating. It got to the point where I was committing after nearly every meal.
Of course, the illness resulted in numerous ER visits. But each time, the ER doctors insisted it was just GERD. They referred me to a gastroenterologist for an endoscopy, gave me prescription drugs to help with GERD, and insisted that was it.
I got my endoscopy, which showed no problems. Afterward, I was referred to doctor after doctor, specialist after specialist, and none of them allowed me to share what I felt was wrong.
But I knew what was wrong, I’d known from nearly the start.
Speaking Up
Finally, I spoke up, without an invitation. I insisted there was a problem with my gallbladder, as every older person in my family had theirs removed, and my symptoms were the same. That ER doctor decided to listen, and he tested me for gallbladder issues.
Lo and behold, the organ was so inflamed it needed to come out – NOW. They rushed me to surgery that day, and I haven’t had any problems since.
The only reason they even tested my gallbladder was because I said something. The same is true when advocating for yourself in relationships, in the classroom, and at work.
Sometimes, speaking up is not enough, and you will need to switch providers, speak to a therapist, or even end a relationship. You must be willing to follow through with these drastic steps to successfully advocate for yourself.
Self-Advocacy for Persons with Disabilities
Self-advocacy is crucial for individuals with disabilities. Unfortunately, our society ignores disabled persons, offering few benefits or resources for aid. The available benefits are confusing and difficult to navigate, making access challenging.
Although the ADA (American Disability Act) is supposed to protect the disabled and ensure their access to equal protection and reasonable accommodations, many employers (and other members of society) don’t know the full extent of the law. They will do what they can to skirt regulations.
Part of advocating for yourself is knowing your rights under these laws. Unfortunately, many disabled people have to fight tooth and nail to have their legal rights acknowledged and provided for, and that’s just one aspect of self-advocacy.
Invisible Disabilities
Those living with invisible disabilities sometimes have a harder time getting a doctor to believe them. My cousin has a rare genetic disorder called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome with hypermobility, which leads to a host of problems, including extreme fatigue, allergies, and chronic pain. She has also been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder.
Her unique combination of symptoms makes it nearly impossible to find a doctor willing to listen. Many told her that it was just anxiety; the symptoms were in her head. It took years of doctor’s visits, referrals, requesting second opinions, and more before she finally got an appointment at the Mayo Clinic, where she received a proper diagnosis.
The fact that she had to fight so hard just to find out what was wrong is horrific.
Many disabled people are in the same boat, struggling silently with hidden illnesses nobody takes seriously. Our medical system wasn’t designed to help them, and they often can’t afford the care or treatment they need to be successful in their lives.
Why Don’t We Advocate for Ourselves More?
We all have personal reasons for why self-advocacy presents such a challenge, including anxiety, fear, or apathy.
But it’s a disservice to discuss the challenges of self-advocacy without considering the cultural and societal norms making it so difficult.
We’re conditioned from birth to not speak up.
The societal push to keep quiet specifically targets women, who learn from an early age that expressing their own needs and setting healthy boundaries is “selfish.” We’re told not to make waves, to kowtow to people’s unreasonable demands, and to do everything in our power to care for everyone else, even to our own detriment.
Women who don’t follow the unwritten rules face ridicule and harsh judgment as they’re labeled “bossy” or “bitchy” when a man who behaves the same gets lauded as “confident” and “assertive.”
We’re taught to put ourselves second for our entire lives, so is it any wonder that we struggle to speak up as adults?
How Can I Advocate for Myself More?
Overcoming years of conditioning is difficult, but not impossible.
Here are simple ways you can gain the courage and confidence to be your own advocate.
Know Your Stuff
Knowledge is power, so arm yourself. Know what you need, why you need it, and how it will help.
Learn your rights and the laws behind it. Document everything. Keep a journal of your symptoms, and learn how different illnesses might impact different body functions. Determine the medical tests you could take that would support or rule out specific diagnoses.
It’s far harder for anyone to dismiss you when you come in with facts.
Know Exactly What You Are Asking For
Don’t leave it up to the other party to decide how to help; ask for exactly what you need.
If you need a wheelchair ramp to get into the office, ask for it. Be upfront about what you need.
The same holds in relationships. Be clear with your partner about what you need from the relationship and communicate your boundaries. Make sure they’re on board.
Get it in Writing
When advocating for yourself in a professional setting, it’s essential to document everything discussed in writing.
Make sure the doctor writes a note in your chart that you requested a certain test. Email your boss with a meeting summary to follow up on what was discussed. Ask an HR representative to sit on on meetings about reasonable accommodations.
Create a paper trail of all of your requests.
Seek Help
It’s hard to speak up for ourselves, and sometimes we can’t do it on our own. It’s okay to ask for help. Have someone accompany you to the doctor to help you discuss your symptoms. Hire an attorney to help you navigate the disability laws at work. See a therapist if you have trouble setting boundaries in personal relationships.
If hiring help isn’t in your budget, find a support group instead. Advocacy communities abound online for nearly any problem you can think of. Other people in the group can help you understand that your requests are valid, and give you the strength you need to speak up. The group can also help you identify areas where you’re being unreasonable.
Believe in Yourself
Believe that you are worthy of whatever you are asking for.
You don’t deserve to live a life of pain and suffering. You deserve a healthy, happy relationship and a workplace that will make reasonable accommodations.
Believing that you are worth it will help give you the confidence you need to fight for whatever you are asking for and not accept anything less.
Be Firm
The most difficult aspect of self-advocacy is standing firm when challenged. And you will be challenged.
People will do everything they can to avoid changing, helping, or spending extra money. You’ll hear a million excuses and a million reasons why what you’re asking for is unreasonable.
Don’t let all of these knee-jerk “no” reactions deter you. Stand firm in what you need.
You must also be prepared for self-advocacy to come at a price. If a partner refuses to abide by your boundaries, be prepared to leave them. It’s hard; trust me, I know it’s hard. I was there. But in the long run, it will be better for you to be alone than with someone who treats you like you don’t matter.
Be prepared to seek a second opinion when your doctor isn’t listening, involve HR when a company doesn’t follow the law, and request a new teacher when yours isn’t listening to your needs.
Standing firm will cause hurt feelings. People hate being told they aren’t doing enough. They’d rather you suffer silently so they can feel good about themselves, and we’ve been conditioned to allow it.
But we can no longer light ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm. We need to stand by our boundaries and advocate for what we deserve, and if that hurts someone else’s feelings, that’s their problem, not ours. Our needs matter too.
Advocating for Yourself in Society
Advocating for yourself goes beyond advocating at a doctor’s office or for a reasonable accommodation at work.
It also means advocating for equality under the law and for access to the care you need.
Advocate for yourself at the voting booth by choosing representatives who will fight for your rights and at public forums where changes to the law are discussed. It’s a never-ending battle.
Start Advocating for Yourself
I know that what I’m asking isn’t easy. I’ve struggled with self-advocacy all my life. It’s hard; it’s painful, it’s uncomfortable.
I know, god do I know! But I also know that it makes your life better. I’ve been happier and healthier since I started setting boundaries and standing up for myself, both professionally and personally. It’s a difficult journey; I’ll never tell you that it’s not. But the end result is oh-so worth it.
So try.
Start advocating for yourself. See how much it improves your life. You’ll be kicking yourself for not trying sooner.