If only toxic people held up glaring neon signs declaring they were up to no good, the world would be a better place. The rest of us could avoid them, living fabulous lives with fabulous people.
Well, they kind of do.
Toxic people signs might not be as obvious as a bright flag or shiny neon, but they do exist. They’re just so subtle we sometimes miss them.
If you pay attention to these signs of a toxic person, you can learn to avoid folks with ill intent.
What is a Toxic Person?
To avoid toxic people, you first must understand what a toxic person is.
A lot of folks call people “toxic” for setting boundaries, standing up for themselves, or refusing to let a friend walk all over them. That’s not it.
Toxic people are takers. They’re the ones calling you toxic for having reasonable boundaries. They act entitled to other people’s time, money, energy, or attention, think the world revolves around them, and behave selfishly most of the time.
If you let them, a toxic person will suck you dry. But they’re often so good at hiding their selfishness, especially up front, that we don’t realize they’re doing it.
Toxic People Signs
As someone who loves the internet and has dealt with my fair share of toxic people, I’m here to help you avoid the worst kinds of toxic people.
I scoured the internet for subtle tips on how to tell someone isn’t a good person, searching for the top red flags you should watch for when interacting with someone new.
Be on the lookout for these warning signs of a toxic person.
How You Feel
Have you ever met someone who leaves you feeling bad after an interaction, no matter what?
Every conversation leaves you feeling drained, lethargic, or depressed, even if you were in a good mood before.
Don’t ignore that feeling. You might be dealing with an energy vampire- people who float into your life, steal your energy, and leave you exhausted.
The hit show What We Do in the Shadows highlights the energy vampire phenomenon. One of the Vampires, Colin Robinson, is a day-walking “psychic vampire” who feeds on people’s energy rather than their blood.
He’s the dull, dry, boring leech who sucks all the energy out of a room. But he’s not even the worst kind. In one episode, he meets his match – a psychic vampire who steals energy by creating emotional drama wherever she goes. They dated until he realized she could even suck his energy away.
We all know people like both of them in real life.
Small Lies
People who tell small lies about small things probably can’t be trusted to tell the truth about big things.
These little lies might not be the kind you mention, because they’re small things. But they add up to a person who might not be very trustworthy.
Why even lie about the small things?
In addition, any form of lying, no matter how small, could indicate a problem. It’s poisonous to relationships that should be built on trust.
The little white lies become big warning signs that the person might be toxic.
Big Talk
Actions speak louder than words, so when someone tries to explain how good a person they are rather than show it, proceed with caution.
Toxic people are very concerned with making sure everyone around them thinks they’re a good person, but doing things to highlight their “goodness” is too much. Instead, they’ll boast about their greatness.
Think about the guy who constantly goes on about how nice he is but doesn’t do anything nice, or the gal who claims she’s such a good person while acting selfishly.
It’s all about walking the walk vs. talking the talk. Good people will show their goodness with actions, while toxic folks are all talk.
Spilling Secrets
If someone is willing to share secrets with you, they’re likely willing to share your secrets with others. It’s especially egregious when they tell you things about their so-called “friends.”
Trust is crucial in any relationship, and anyone who’s willing to betray that trust is not worthy of your time.
When someone you first meet immediately starts gossiping about all of your friends, it’s a red flag to never tell them anything you don’t want others to know.
Using Things Against You
Some folks will pretend to be your friend to get insider information to later use against you. Others will store anything you say and do as part of an arsenal for later.
Unfortunately, this sign of a toxic person is hard to identify until it’s too late. These folks are charming and charismatic, and you can’t tell they’re just gathering information until they use it against you.
On the plus side, after it happens once, you can rest assured it will happen again. Never tell them anything else you don’t want thrown back in your face.
Treating Servers Poorly
The most telling toxic people sign is the way they treat others.
You can glimpse the true essence of someone’s character by paying attention to how they treat service workers, or anyone else they deem “beneath” them. That in and of itself is a warning sign – anyone who thinks another human being is “beneath” them is toxic.
Pay attention at restaurants and in check-out aisles. Toxic people treat it like a power play, as if the server is actually their personal servant. Some use it as an excuse to bully someone, since they’re “in charge.”
It’s a gross dynamic, but one that quickly shows you a person’s true colors.
Selective Kindness
Some people are only friendly when they want something. Watching someone shift from kind to uncaring in seconds when they don’t get what they want clearly indicates they aren’t a good person.
Think about the guy who is attentive to a woman he finds attractive, yet cold and indifferent to a woman he doesn’t. Then think about the guys who turn on a dime after a woman says no, calling her the worst names imaginable.
It’s a subtle sign of a toxic person because it’s easy to miss when their kindness is directed at you, or in the early stages of a relationship (because they’re being kind – because they want something!).
But the second they don’t get what they want, the mask slips. Pay attention to that.
Their Friends Dropped Them
Sometimes people run with the wrong crowd or make friends with users. It happens to the best of us.
But when no one wants to hang out with you, you might be the problem.
People who constantly complain that they have no friends, or get kicked out of friend groups, probably aren’t people you want to be around.
It shows as a pattern in other areas of their life as well. They have a string of crazy exes, they don’t talk to their family, and they’re constantly getting fired from jobs.
Of course, it’s never their fault.
Ummm…yeah, it probably is. And that’s a giant waving sign of a toxic person.
Shopping Cart Test
Do you return your shopping cart or leave it out in the middle of the parking lot for workers to find?
No one thought that grocery stores would create the easiest test of a toxic person, but they did.
You can tell whether someone is a good person or not based on whether they put their shopping cart back. The stakes are low. Nobody is really watching. It’s a five-second task.
The shopping cart test shows you how folks behave when there are zero rewards for good behavior and zero repercussions for bad behavior.
Selfish people can’t be bothered to spend five seconds putting it away, even though it makes life easier for workers and prevents wayward carts from hitting cars.
Your Gut Feeling
My father’s best words of advice to me when I was a child were “always trust your gut.”
Your subconscious knows things well before your conscious mind does. It picks up subtle cues that you’d ignore, then sends you a tingling feeling that something just isn’t right.
That tingling is your first warning sign of a toxic person, and you should never ignore it.
As humans developed conscious awareness, we relied less and less on life-saving instincts. However, those instincts are still there, helping us navigate life, and often offer warning signs of dangerous people or situations.
Our instincts are usually spot on, so when we get a weird feeling, we should listen.
Selfishness
Most toxic people are toxic because they’re selfish. They only care about themselves and will walk all over everyone else to get what they want.
So if your new friend isn’t showing any of these toxic people signs, watch for red flags that they’re selfish instead. The two go hand in hand.
Signs of a Toxic Person Not Always Right
Although Redditors pointed out a lot of red flags, it’s essential to approach most situations with nuance.
Someone neglecting to put a grocery cart away doesn’t automatically make them a bad person. Maybe they’re a mom juggling two young kids, maybe they have a disability, maybe they have to pee really really bad.
We can’t understand someone’s situation, so we shouldn’t pass instant judgment.
But some toxic people signs are harder to justify. Trusting your gut can help you avoid dangerous situations, and you probably shouldn’t trust a liar.
It’s important to trust your own judgment when interacting with people; don’t you agree?